What Will Be My New Drama This Week?

If it isn't one thing, it's another, right? For the first time in a very long time, I have absolutely no drama to speak of. Or do I? I wait here suspiciously because I know it has got to be too good to be true. Yesterday, I took my last final after being in college for 2.5 years of my existence. Can I really take a long, deep breath and relax for a while? It almost makes me anxious of the thought of there being nobody, anywhere in this world who isn't waiting for me to do something.

I know some of you may be wondering why this is such a big deal to me. It is merely to state that I am here and I am feeling fine. For however this moment lasts, I am going to have a pretty OK day.

I have many symptoms with my BPD but I mostly struggle with reactive stress for the most part. It starts with a thought. Any thought will do. Then I take this thought and turn it and twist it and add a little something here and there and viola! Suddenly, I have an anxiety attack and suddenly I manage to turn it into a full blown war in my head. It would be fine if I didn't let that turn me into the biggest lunatic in the world and attack everyone who crossed my path or entered my mind.
So why is today any different than any other day? I am completely stumped, to say the least.

In my moment of sanity, I have decided to clean my bedroom and see what happens from there. Of course, there is nobody else here so that makes it that much better. Nobody to get in my way and "cause" me to scream. The animals are even quiet. Whoa! This just never happens.

I am sure to be back later today to update my status. My therapist says I am very negative (true, true) and wants me to change my outlook on life this week. I just giggled inside when he said this. I have decided to play a new record in my head instead of that old broken and twisted one that keeps telling me that I am a loser or the reason people go away is to get away from me. I am going to really try to unpack some of the good things about me that I have packed away for safe keeping and then forgot. I am going to try them on and see how they look on me. Wish me luck.
queen1966 queen1966
41-45, F
3 Responses Jun 16, 2012

I start over and over every single day. That is definitely nothing new to me either. I woke up yesterday with a horrible headache but I had things to do, so of course I managed to get myself up and out of the house. One of my strengths through all of this, is that I have high standards of those around me and especially of myself. I make myself keep promises because I feel that I have to be the good example to show others how it is really done. If you are going to make promises or even agree to do something, you should be willing to keep them, right? <br />
So I drove 50 miles to the college and copied and printed up my intern information and then I gave a ride home to a classmate of mine who I have become close friends with (she is also borderline if you can believe that). Next, I went shopping for a few odds and ends that I had been meaning to do for the past week or so but for whatever reason, couldn't get myself to do. When I finally did get home, I ended up going to bed early.

You can start anew. With each moment we are given the opportunity to do so. I believe in you. You have accomplished a lot more than you give yourself credit for. Keep trying, don't give up on yourself!

That was another day entirely different than the one that I am having today. Today I am in complete turmoil and I am screwing everything up as usual. I have already begun my usual screaming fits and crying for what everyone else considers to be "for nothing". I would normally agree that I can start up for no reason but I believe that today I have a reason. My relationship with a couple of my siblings hasn't been the best. They are big triggers with me. There is going to be an informal family gathering today and I even planned on going. For obvious reasons, I am choosing to stay home and avoid all of the stress and fake smiling that goes on there. I would do anything to get yesterday back or start my morning again but that isn't going to happen.