I Have Borderline Personality Disorder
If it isn't one thing, it's another, right? For the first time in a very long time, I have absolutely no drama to speak of. Or do I? I wait here suspiciously because I know it has got to be too good to be true. Yesterday, I took my last final after being in college for 2.5 years of my existence. Can I really take a long, deep breath and relax for a while? It almost makes me anxious of the thought of there being nobody, anywhere in this world who isn't waiting for me to do something.
I know some of you may be wondering why this is such a big deal to me. It is merely to state that I am here and I am feeling fine. For however this moment lasts, I am going to have a pretty OK day.
I have many symptoms with my BPD but I mostly struggle with reactive stress for the most part. It starts with a thought. Any thought will do. Then I take this thought and turn it and twist it and add a little something here and there and viola! Suddenly, I have an anxiety attack and suddenly I manage to turn it into a full blown war in my head. It would be fine if I didn't let that turn me into the biggest lunatic in the world and attack everyone who crossed my path or entered my mind.
So why is today any different than any other day? I am completely stumped, to say the least.
In my moment of sanity, I have decided to clean my bedroom and see what happens from there. Of course, there is nobody else here so that makes it that much better. Nobody to get in my way and "cause" me to scream. The animals are even quiet. Whoa! This just never happens.
I am sure to be back later today to update my status. My therapist says I am very negative (true, true) and wants me to change my outlook on life this week. I just giggled inside when he said this. I have decided to play a new record in my head instead of that old broken and twisted one that keeps telling me that I am a loser or the reason people go away is to get away from me. I am going to really try to unpack some of the good things about me that I have packed away for safe keeping and then forgot. I am going to try them on and see how they look on me. Wish me luck.
I know some of you may be wondering why this is such a big deal to me. It is merely to state that I am here and I am feeling fine. For however this moment lasts, I am going to have a pretty OK day.
I have many symptoms with my BPD but I mostly struggle with reactive stress for the most part. It starts with a thought. Any thought will do. Then I take this thought and turn it and twist it and add a little something here and there and viola! Suddenly, I have an anxiety attack and suddenly I manage to turn it into a full blown war in my head. It would be fine if I didn't let that turn me into the biggest lunatic in the world and attack everyone who crossed my path or entered my mind.
So why is today any different than any other day? I am completely stumped, to say the least.
In my moment of sanity, I have decided to clean my bedroom and see what happens from there. Of course, there is nobody else here so that makes it that much better. Nobody to get in my way and "cause" me to scream. The animals are even quiet. Whoa! This just never happens.
I am sure to be back later today to update my status. My therapist says I am very negative (true, true) and wants me to change my outlook on life this week. I just giggled inside when he said this. I have decided to play a new record in my head instead of that old broken and twisted one that keeps telling me that I am a loser or the reason people go away is to get away from me. I am going to really try to unpack some of the good things about me that I have packed away for safe keeping and then forgot. I am going to try them on and see how they look on me. Wish me luck.
By:
queen1966
Age:
41-45
,
Female
3
responses
