Hit Rock Bottom- Self Diagnosed Bpd
Today I have had a revelation. After years and years of feeling crappy, engaging in self-destructive behavior, feeling irritated, isolated and alone, I have finally been able to put a finger on what is wrong with me- I think I have BPD.
Some background- my grandfather sexually abused members of my family (not me) as a child, went to jail. Parents divorced when I was out of college, cut off contact with my dad. As I type this I haven't spoken with him in nearly 8 years. I had a terrible relationship with my mother, looking back I am certain she suffered from psychiatric issues. She passed away 7 years ago.
I am (happily) married to the love of my life for over 8 years. We have 4 beautiful children together. I thank them for saving my life over the past years because I continually had 9 months of time where I wasn't able to consume alcohol, I believe this slowed down much of my destructive behavior. The beginning of my marriage I was truly happy and joyful but would go through periods of sadness. Once we started having kids I gave up my career to stay home and I started to feel increasingly irritable, towards my life and my kids. I thought it was because I was unfulfilled as a stay at home mom. After our 4th was born I was ready to break loose of of the "prison" I envisioned I had been living in- I was ready to whoop it up! I started drinking daily to the point of beyond intoxication, passing out every night and getting up and functioning the next day. My spouse travels a lot so this has been easy to hide from him. Next I started getting a lot of attention from other men which I craved. A series of affairs started. Then I found that when the thrill wore off I would become my crazy needy/ don't abandon me self with these random people. I would wake up the next day hating myself, feeling guilty, vowing not to do it again, and then start the cycle again that night.
For about the past 6 months I have absolutely no interest in anything, my kids annoy the crap out of me and so does my husband. I HATE feeling like this because they are all truly the loves of my life and I want to get back to feeling something other than sadness and irritation. I also want to get over the euphoria that comes from engaging in these risky behaviors because I know it is wrong, and in the end I just feel like crap.
My husband does not know about the affairs, but he has started to suspect some of my erratic behavior with the crazy amounts I am drinking. He is a great man, he just wants me to be happy and get the help I need. I have sought psychiatric treatment last summer when I was finally done having kids and felt like I was having some postpartum issues. I haven't seen this therapist in nearly a year. I cannot stand living this way another minute. I have the best kids and family in the world and I am screwing everything up. I need advice on how to get on the right track. I need to set up an appointment with my family doctor and go back to the therapist. Most of all at this point I need a shred of hope, that I will feel better if I put the work into it and I can be the mom that I didn't have and my kids deserve, and the wife that my husband deserves. I can't live like this any longer, with the guilt, shame, irritability, no interest in anything in my life, I feel like I am trapped.