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Hit Rock Bottom- Self Diagnosed Bpd

 

Today I have had a revelation. After years and years of feeling crappy, engaging in self-destructive behavior, feeling irritated, isolated and alone, I have finally been able to put a finger on what is wrong with me- I think I have BPD.

Some background- my grandfather sexually abused members of my family (not me) as a child, went to jail. Parents divorced when I was out of college, cut off contact with my dad. As I type this I haven't spoken with him in nearly 8 years. I had a terrible relationship with my mother, looking back I am certain she suffered from psychiatric issues. She passed away 7 years ago.

I am (happily) married to the love of my life for over 8 years. We have 4 beautiful children together. I thank them for saving my life over the past years because I continually had 9 months of time where I wasn't able to consume alcohol, I believe this slowed down much of my destructive behavior. The beginning of my marriage I was truly happy and joyful but would go through periods of sadness. Once we started having kids I gave up my career to stay home and I started to feel increasingly irritable, towards my life and my kids. I thought it was because I was unfulfilled as a stay at home mom. After our 4th was born I was ready to break loose of of the "prison" I envisioned I had been living in- I was ready to whoop it up! I started drinking daily to the point of beyond intoxication, passing out every night and getting up and functioning the next day. My spouse travels a lot so this has been easy to hide from him. Next I started getting a lot of attention from other men which I craved. A series of affairs started. Then I found that when the thrill wore off I would become my crazy needy/ don't abandon me self with these random people. I would wake up the next day hating myself, feeling guilty, vowing not to do it again, and then start the cycle again that night.

For about the past 6 months I have absolutely no interest in anything, my kids annoy the crap out of me and so does my husband. I HATE feeling like this because they are all truly the loves of my life and I want to get back to feeling something other than sadness and irritation. I also want to get over the euphoria that comes from engaging in these risky behaviors because I know it is wrong, and in the end I just feel like crap.

My husband does not know about the affairs, but he has started to suspect some of my erratic behavior with the crazy amounts I am drinking. He is a great man, he just wants me to be happy and get the help I need. I have sought psychiatric treatment last summer when I was finally done having kids and felt like I was having some postpartum issues. I haven't seen this therapist in nearly a year. I cannot stand living this way another minute. I have the best kids and family in the world and I am screwing everything up. I need advice on how to get on the right track. I need to set up an appointment with my family doctor and go back to the therapist. Most of all at this point I need a shred of hope, that I will feel better if I put the work into it and I can be the mom that I didn't have and my kids deserve, and the wife that my husband deserves. I can't live like this any longer, with the guilt, shame, irritability, no interest in anything in my life, I feel like I am trapped.

FrancieBuckley FrancieBuckley 36-40, F 1 Response Jul 14, 2012

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Well, you most definitely should schedule an appointment with your doctor to get down to the bottom of this. It's so very important for you to take care of yourself. You can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of you first. You have a great family it seems, so get your tush to the doctor and get back to living. You deserve to be happy. NOW, GET GOING! :)