I Wish I Had Known Earlier

Emptiness. Desperation. Anger. Hopelesness. Loneliness. Those are just some of the words to describe how I feel on a day-to-day basis. I was diagnosed with chronic depression at 18 and put on anti-depressents. For four years i've been struggling because I'm not getting better. And then exactly two weeks ago I decided to meet with a new therapist. A new psychologist. Someone who doesn't know me. That day, I was diagnosed with BPD. Something all my doctors had missed for four years. I'm 21 and live a struggle everyday. I feel like I have no control over my life. No control over how I feel or how I react to those feelings. It's the worst. I've read more stories in these past two weeks than I could tell you. But now I know, I'm not alone. There is a name for what is going on with me. And better yet, I CAN get better. My life can change. I wish I had known of such an illness a long time ago. I feel like 4 years of my life have been wasted. Relationships ruined, friends lost, opportunities missed, money down the drain. BUT I can win this battle. New hope! I want everyone to remind themselves, no matter how hard others try to bring you down... we have an illness. Just like cancer. There may not be a cure, but there is treatment. There is help. We are not in control of being sick, we cannot blame ourselves and no matter how hard we want to think we can, we can't fix it by ourselves. We're ill. People don't get blamed for having cancer and we will not be blamed for having BPD. Love to all. Updates and more stories to come.
MissCarissa21 MissCarissa21
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 15, 2012

Thanks! I really needed to hear this. I just wrote a similar story of misdiagnosis and wasting years of my life. I was diagnosed with bipolar since 2006 and have been on high doses of lithium for several years. I knew that didn't fit and felt I was losing myself---lithium was taking my memory and thinking, but what was the alternative? They said I had it. I also got a new therapist who kept saying it didn't fit, and finally my psychiatrist said she didn't feel I had bipolar, but BPD. This has taken place within the last month, and I am weaning off lithium.<br />
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I don't understand BPD very much, but know I fit it. I am scared and afraid I will fail at getting better. Ever since I was a girl, they gave me a pill to "make me better," therapy wasn't all that important. I never really dealt with emotions and dealing with other people. I feel pretty discouraged, especially because I don't have a good support system around me willing to educate themselves. I guess I have to be my own cheerleader, but I don't like myself too much most of the time.<br />
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Nice to meet you!