What Now?

Ok, so I was "diagnosed" with depression about a year ago...got on lexapro, gained like 20 pounds, then go the hell off.  I dont think that they did anything for me.  So now I am even more pissed I am fat.  Besides that, I have recently found that I have BPD.  My husband just thinks that I am a *****.  I really feel like this is the right diagnosis though. 


My BPD is really mostly me getting really angry....for example, my husband went out drinking last night and came home at 1am....me, being doped out on zanex and rum; did not have the energy to care.  6am rolls around and my alarm goes off for work, well I ended up just flipping out on him...hitting him..cursing....SCREAMING...he got in his truck to leave and I (no joke) layed down on the pavement so he couldnt leave.....wtf...I really hope that no neighbors saw me.  This is just a SMALL insight on some things that go on in my house.  I am really afraid he is going to divorce me.  I love him more than anything and feel REALLY bad about the stuff I say to him and do to him when I am in my "rages"...really the guilt is horrible and my day at work is long and awful.....


 

Dixiechicktg Dixiechicktg
22-25, F
12 Responses Dec 14, 2006

I have also had similar crazed episodes with her. I've never hit her, but have done serious damage to our home with my outbursts. I get so scared my kids are seeing me as an example that will start the whole cycle over with them when they grow up.

I have been there and may be there tomorrow.....I feel many of the same things you are expressing....find a councellor and some help.....it helped me while I was in therapy and now I'm hoping to get to a group DBT in September. In the mean while....look into Mindfullness and be kind kind your self!

I totally understand this, and I feel for you but I am also thankful that I am not alone. When my husband tries to leave I break the windows in his truck or chase him in my own truck. (thank god I have never hurt anyone) And I like you feel so stupid and ashamed of the things I do when in a rage...

BPD is such a pain in the ***!! All those that have it like me, I have nothing but the utter most respect for, cause you understand how painful this life is.

I had the rages until I went on Paxil about 15 years ago and medication did stop them, but of course, anger just being one symptom, nothing was fixed. Since then I've been on countless medications and went through tons of therapy. I am in my fifth week of group therapy and happy to say that this time it seems to be working. This is the first time I could open up. I finally came to understand why I was feeling what I was feeling and what the strong emotions were all about. I was so afraid of my anger if I found myself getting snarky I would run and pop a zanax or switch my antidepressants. What a shock to learn it is my own twisted thinking that is causing me to feel the way I do and repeat the same mistakes over and over. With BPD and relationships it is very difficult, we can't believe that we're worth of love so we won't accept it. Testing the other person's love again and again until they get fed up. I hope this helps

Well, he went drinking all night. You have the right to be upset...

is your husband educated enough about bpd. Maybe if he had more insight he would understand---ha just writing the word makes me laugh. Or maybe u two can reach a point where he agrees that he doesnt understand

is your husband educated enough about bpd. Maybe if he had more insight he would understand---ha just writing the word makes me laugh. Or maybe u two can reach a point where he agrees that he doesnt understand

Why don't you go to some form of therapy or counseling? Or maybe therapy group for borderliners? It should help

I know exactly how you feel. I have done the same thing to my husband and just yesterday we talked about divorce because he cannot handle my depression and bpd. I'm surprised we lasted this long.

I can really relate, my entire life i have been struggling w/ severe rage and hostility. I am really trying to get a grip on it since i have had kids. Although i dont cut, throw, or punch things any more, i still yell all the time - even when i have no reason to . <br />
I accuse every one around me of trying to hurt me and always think they are secretly betraying me and hate me. Like im the fool. <br />
I can't stop drinking because it really covers my extreme emotion but i am trying to. <br />
<br />
I know how your feeling, if you need to talk i am here. :)

My best advice....don't drink while you're on medication!