Bpd--trouble Connecting And Nothing Seems To HelpHi there,
I just wanted to see if anyone out there ever feels the same way as me....
I am a bubbly person, who smiles a lot, and works coordinating hundreds of people- I try reallly hard to do well at work and to control my raging insecurity.
A lady came into my work today, and was talking about me, describing me as so happy, polite, and cheerful all the time...and I thought it so odd!
On the inside, I am NOTHING like that....I am jealous, I am mean, I am self-critical....i feel like my heart is a caged beast ready to explode from anxiety at all times...yet people see me as this happy-go-lucky person! On the inside, I am a child..a scared, lonely, lost child...
Then I ask myself...if I am surrounded by so many people, and they 'like' me from what they say...why do I feel so incredibly lonely? Why is there such an extreme disconnect between what people see, and how I feel? I can't connect... I don't have ANY real friends at all...I have a boyfriend, but feel completely lonely even with him (as sad as that sounds)...I don't want to talk to my family about anything other than day to day stuff, and really....my main reason for getting up in the morning, is to simply go back to bed at night. That's all I look forward to---
There is no real reason to feel this way, meds aren't working and every combo i've tried for the past ten years hasn't gotten me out of the funk....I've been through psychiatrists, counselors, social workers, natropathic doctors, DBT therapy, read every book I can get my hands on about BPD---and I still seem to fail....what else is there to do when all I want is sleep?
When people converse with me, I just want it to end, because I feel like they can see the real me, and the more I talk the worse I get. I feel nervous and just want it to stop... yet I'm lonely as sin and for some reason, despite how outgoing I seem, I cannot make a real friend in all of the world--it makes no sense..I always have to keep people at an arms length. No one can deal with the 'real' me.
Apparently making public pleasantries is what I am good at, but I can't seem to forge anything deeper.
How do you make friends? Anyone else ever feel this way? Is this BPD?