Bpd--trouble Connecting And Nothing Seems To Help

Hi there,
I just wanted to see if anyone out there ever feels the same way as me....
I am a bubbly person, who smiles a lot, and works coordinating hundreds of people- I try reallly hard to do well at work and to control my raging insecurity.
A lady came into my work today, and was talking about me, describing me as so happy, polite, and cheerful all the time...and I thought it so odd!
On the inside, I am NOTHING like that....I am jealous, I am mean, I am self-critical....i feel like my heart is a caged beast ready to explode from anxiety at all times...yet people see me as this happy-go-lucky person! On the inside, I am a child..a scared, lonely, lost child...

Then I ask myself...if I am surrounded by so many people, and they 'like' me from what they say...why do I feel so incredibly lonely? Why is there such an extreme disconnect between what people see, and how I feel? I can't connect... I don't have ANY real friends at all...I have a boyfriend, but feel completely lonely even with him (as sad as that sounds)...I don't want to talk to my family about anything other than day to day stuff, and really....my main reason for getting up in the morning, is to simply go back to bed at night. That's all I look forward to---
There is no real reason to feel this way, meds aren't working and every combo i've tried for the past ten years hasn't gotten me out of the funk....I've been through psychiatrists, counselors, social workers, natropathic doctors, DBT therapy, read every book I can get my hands on about BPD---and I still seem to fail....what else is there to do when all I want is sleep?

When people converse with me, I just want it to end, because I feel like they can see the real me, and the more I talk the worse I get. I feel nervous and just want it to stop... yet I'm lonely as sin and for some reason, despite how outgoing I seem, I cannot make a real friend in all of the world--it makes no sense..I always have to keep people at an arms length. No one can deal with the 'real' me.

Apparently making public pleasantries is what I am good at, but I can't seem to forge anything deeper.
How do you make friends? Anyone else ever feel this way? Is this BPD?
hopeful55 hopeful55
26-30, F
3 Responses Jul 18, 2012

I wish I could answer your question. I can't sorry, but I understand. You aren't the only one who feels alien. We all wear a mask in public just to survive in society. It always confuses me how people seem to like us without knowing the real us. Its like they only see us as a 2 dimensional TV character. We have learnt to project a workable image to the world. Have you tried schema therapy ? I found it great to understand why i am so.....different and self loathing.

Thanks for your response Gracie...I find it so weird, that we're super sensitive people, and care so much and so deeply OR tend to push people away completely. <br />
It's overwhelming isn't it? I feel out of place too, most of the time. I work for a large charity, and don't feel as though I belong here....like they're going to fire me at any minute for being too sensitive, too much of a screw up, too fake-because I pretend I am happy. <br />
Logically I know that's not likely to happen---if they fire me at this point, it's because I am posting this before the end of the work day.....<br />
Keep your chin up.

Yes, I feel this way fairly often, now and again I can feel connected to someone, but it is there a lot, especially these days at social gatherings. I feel everyone seems fake or over the top, so find it difficult. The ones I connect with I usually scare away because I think I become too deep or rely on them too much. <br />
I have been out of work a while and had severe anxiety most of the time, especially after my daughter was born. I just felt I was bearing holding it together, trying to be super woman. Not working was very hard for me, so I enrolled in a masters, and I felt incredibly out of place. The others seemed so confident and happy, I felt that most of them thought I was a bit odd and intense, but sometimes I feel like that myself. It would be nice to share stories on this.