Warm And ColdAnyone who has borderline personality disorder might understand this scenario.
I essentially have two versions of myself. One side of me is very warm, compassionate, social, and generous. This part of me will drive me to go far out of my way to help anyone with anything. The other part is much colder and more practical. I acknowledge people as second to me and my desires, and in this state I will allow no one's well being to override my own and my goals.
It is quite a difficult state to live in. I want to be 'good' and compassionate, as I do like people and want those struggling to escape. That is, until my own self is at risk of anything, at which I shift to my cold and distant self. My personality is an extreme example of what those psychology and biology textbooks teach us about "fight or flight".
To anyone who might be experiencing this: Go get some sort of help right now. I have no regrets but that does not mean you should have mine. I can only hope things will get better in the future, and until then, I continue to find an even ground between my two selves.