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Am I Suffering With Bpd?

There are two people who I blame for my identity crisis: my older brother and my high school friends. My brother is, without any doubt, gay and he still hasn't come out or told my parents about it. When we were young, I would always notice that my brother loved watching girly cartoon shows and most of his friends are girls/gays, instead of guys. In some unexplained way, there came a point that I would do what my brother would like to do like singing in a very effeminate way. My high school friends (mostly were girls/gays) would call me ***/gay, and I would just smile like it's nothing but deeply hurt inside. When I reached college, that's when identity crisis manifested in me. I could no longer endure being called ***/gay, so I decided to change. The self-change I underwent was so difficult for the fact that I have to change everything about myself-- my gait, behavior, attitude, way of thinking, etc. After a year, I got what I had wanted. My movements and behavior had changed and people wouldn't call me ***/gay anymore. I was happy that I was able to change but I noticed that I only had few friends. My college mates would say that I am so quiet and serious, and they wanted to hear me talk. I also noticed what they observed about me. Aside from that I noticed that my movements were kind of stiff and I would get so nervous whenever a girl/gay would talk to me. I realized that I had identity crisis. Maybe the reason why I wouldn't talk a lot is -- I don't want people to find out more about me, especially my past. I want to be a normal guy but the people and my past are haunting me. I think they want me to revert back to my old self again. I won't let them change me.
millisievert millisievert 22-25, M Jul 21, 2012

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