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(not?!) Coping With Bpd

Written on July 29th, 2012
I am a 23 year old female. After therapy on and off from the age of 5, never knowing what was wrong with me and my life gradually becoming more of a trainwreck during adolesence, at 18 I was finally diagnosed with BPD.
I'll never forget that day, it was so hard to take in - that I had a personality disorder..why me?! It also made sense though and when I read up about it, it all made sense and clicked into place, in a way it helped because I felt I didn't mean to be this horrible person I could be at times, it was just something in my head that wasn't quite right.
Life's so difficult for me at times, I get into such dark places I can't pull myself up for months.I feel like my whole world is collapsing and completly neglect myself mentally, emotionally and physically. I have terrible paranoia and panic really badly. Sometimes I can't even walk down the road without having a panic attack, when I'm in my dark stages I am totally convinced everyone is against me and the world would be such a better place without me, I want to be stronger then BPD but sometimes it over powers me. Most of the time I really hate myself, I wish I didn't suffer from it as it has a massive effect on my life on a daily basis. Just one, tiny negative comment can send me right back down into this spiralling dark place. My head goes crazy and all the things going on in it, I have the potential to be successful in something and really wish to thrive but everytime I start to feel positive, BPD's black cloud that follows me constantly drags me back down.
Self-harm, depression, promiscuity and drug & alcohol issues have all been massive problems in my life- all which are traits of BPD sufferers. I guess I just feel worthless and do anything to make me feel a little better without thinking of the after consequences BPD will bring back on me. Life's a vicious, evil circle for me and I wish more then anything to break free from it.
I am extremly lucky to have the most amazing, supportive adoptive parents and sister who have done anything they could ever do for me to have the best possible life. They still support me now, after everything I've done and put them through, plus the fact I've always managed to throw everything back in there face without meaning to. I also have a 6 year old daughter who is absoutley amazing, she lives with her dad as I simply couldn't cope- at this time I had a drug and drink problem aswell as a violent boyfriend.
I also have a handful of (in my opinion) the most amazing friends ever who put up with all my imperfections and accept me for who I am, I am very lucky to have them, especially a certain two who adore me to bits and I constantly feel I'm not good enough for them.
Of course, I wonder almost daily..why me? I suppose it goes back to being left in hospital as a newborn baby by my birth family, who also suffer from mental health problems which obviously havn't helped my issues with attachment issues.
I honestly believe I have a good heart, I love my friends and family to complete bits and can't stand the thought of losing anyone whose ever been a part of my life- another trait, holding on to relationships which are not positive. I want there to be a light at the end of this dark winding seemingly never ending tunnel but after all these years I quite honestly feel BPD's power over me is just to strong. I just want to learn to control BPD and become a stronger person so I can make everyone who loves me proud of me and do weel in life, to be the person I really am when BPD's cloud isn't ruining my life- a bubbly, funny, hinest, loving smart girl who just deserves a break in life, rather then keep banging into brick wall after brick wall, hopefully my time to shine will come soon. xx
lucifer1988 lucifer1988 22-25, F 2 Responses Jul 29, 2012

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I recently told a best friend that i have BPD, and she still doesn't believe me. I have no one to talk to about it. That's why i joined this group. Even my sister calls me a hypochondriac when I mention it. I seem perfectly normal to people I have limited contact with, but I know what goes on in my head. I've know I've had this since high school when I was suicidal. I've been working on myself ever since. You are lucky to have others to support you. But only you can change you. When you get into one of those dark places or you know you're mad for no reason, tell yourself "there's no reason to be feeling this way". Examine what the facts are, and if it's really something to be upset about. Sometimes pretending nothing's wrong in front of others (like at work) will make you feel like there's no reason to be upset. And tell yourself, "I love you, no one else needs to love you because I love you." If you say this enough, it will get you out of those funks.

I like the way you describe this illness. My trainwrecks continued till i was 40. You are lucky to have a supportive family and friends, but I think you know there are issues that that can only hold you back, no matter how you try to validate it. Understanding this illness is the first step to winning. Knowing that it wasn't our fault. Recognising the beast is step one, then understanding it. Putting a leash on the beast is a bit harder, but it is possible. Stay strong and good luck.