So Very Tired Of It All

i have been living with my BPD for nearly six years (since diagnosis) and i must say i am just finding it a little hard to handle at this point and time in my life, i would like to think in the past i have been pretty good at keeping my emotions in check, i had some major slips resulting in a few , few month stints in hospitals, but after that was all said and done i managed to keep myself under control, well at least i thought i could manage it. i have noticed recently that my episodes are getting far more frequent, violent and lasting longer in my depressive moods, sometimes for days, i switch from happy go lucky to insecure rage attacks in a matter of seconds, especially with my partner, i love him dearly, he just knows how to push my buttons. its really starting to come between us, and i dont want it to. im sick of not having control over my emotions im sick of my moods swinging and im sick of hating myself.
soveryBPD soveryBPD
18-21, F
4 Responses Sep 5, 2012

thank you for your responses its nice to feel heard. im sick of feeling crazy, i know exactly what im doing like i am watching myself in slow motion and cant do anything about it. i know my behaviour is wrong and i try so hard not to go into melt down mode but its like a switch in my head flicks and suddenly im in an episode. i really hate it. its affecting my whole life. i just want to be happy, not too happy then angry then sad then angry then happy then crazy and so on. i cant believe what i am like sometimes. if i were anyone else watching how i was behaving i would be like OMG what a crazy *****.

you have to talk to your partner. he has to understand exactly how you feel and learn to help you manage the mood swings instead. if your ticked off and he knows it he needs to help by being a calming influence, not by egging you on, or else your right, it is going to really com between you. ive been there. having people close to you try to understand what BPD is about, and how it effects their lives, and yours. its not easy to deal with, but when your trying to deal with and people close to you are essentially making it worse its time for a change.<br />
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i want to write you a long response but i am pressed for time. i hope you are able to find comfort in the fact your not alone, and it can get better. my life now is really good. i may not be happy 100% of the time and my head is hard to deal with, but i have been in places in my life where it was absolutely unbareable. it does get better. there will always be hard times but it does get better. i found that if i forced myself to focus on the positive things in my current life and make an honest effort to be happy and create more positive. even if its just taking my kids to the park and watching their joy or going for ice cream... try the best you can to be happy.<br />
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xo <br />
good luck

I agree with the previous response- you must love yourself, or understand where your feelings of hating yourself are coming from. For me, i started having emotional difficulties at age 16, always trying to heal myself, i did lots of research and noticed that sexual abuse victims commonly blame themselves, i thought about my situation and always just thought well no, i dont blame myself, and then continued to feel angry, rage at the situation i had experienced as a child. now, at 29, i had a lightbulb moment, and realized i am blaming myself, not directly,but i very much thought that i could have prevented it from happening, or why didnt i do that, then it would have never happened, which was blaming myself and calling myself stupid in that situation. This realization has had a huge impact on my feelings about myself, becasue now that i know why i call myself stupid and hate myself, or where that initial emotion developed, i have been able to work through this, and change it-which is not instant, sometimes i think of the evfent and still get that feeling that i could have done something different, the blame myself feeling, but more often i get a sympathy for myself as a child when i think of what i went through as opposed to blaming myself about it, and for it, for so mnay years- and i did think about it all those yrs, from 16 onwards, wether i blame myself, and always simply thought no, i dont- the mind is complex and its definately challenging to work throigh emotional pain, especially when your not even sure where its coming from. once i began to feel better about mysefl and told myself less and less that im stupid in life, the more and more im feeling stable, not fantastic, but hardly ever have a bad day anymore, its somewhat amazing to my mind because its been stuck so long in a complete world of emotional turmoil, and now i am discovering how good life can be andits only gonna get better the more work i do on my inner thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Dialectical behaviour therapy helped me learn the skills to access my feelings, and to understand what I was feeling- but the realization i had was the biggest step in my recovery, and i wish for you to realize where all your bad feelings have originated so you can begin to mkae good progress in recovery from whats called bpd

It got worse for me in the past 2 years. Sudden attacks, fights, drugs lot of drugs, cutting... Finally, I got my face broken by a rock in a fight. Two titanium plaques in my face. So I realized I wouldn't last long this way, I needed to change. First, I managed to treat my depression find a way to love myself (wich I'm still working on). I guess you need to love or at least respect yourself in the first place to be able to change or improve your life. That's my opinion, It's hard but you can get there. Good luck.