My Winge For The Day

BPD must be the loneliest condition i can think of. Even if around family or at work, i wear a mask so really, I am still alone. If I let anyone catch a glimpse of the pain I'm in, i see them back off. I can tell they don't understand and are wary of me even if they act nice. Well i guess i am odd lol. As I tell people constantly, "if you haven't gone through it, you wont understand it" . How do you explain this desperation, pain and fear to the "normal" people ? It's no wonder we get clingy when we do find someone we think we can trust and make them our world. Shame we are too intense and scare them away. Shame we are so scared of loosing them, we drive them away.

Does anyone know how to explain all this to the people who think we just need to cheer up or be patient ?

Enough being negative. (slap myself). It's a beautiful sunny day here. Therapy and meds have helped so far so I have to believe they will fix everything one day. If I don't get better I will be alone forever....... I have to focus on getting better but the loneliness is holding me back.

Lonliness is pain.

AussieAZ AussieAZ
46-50, M
5 Responses Sep 5, 2012

Wow, Auzzie, I completely understand what your going through. It is a very tricky illness. We are all good people but all our thought and worries scare people away, they want to help and be supportive but how? Do we really have the answers, were living with it and we are struggling to learn how to deal with it. So on your free time ask yourself, if you were a another person outside looking in, and you wanted to help , how would you help them. Were always going to feel lonely and down , but what will help you be more happy. I always try to feel the pain that my husband is going through having to deal with life ,marriage and oh yea my bpd. It's stressful on him, but I just tell him I need more understanding and to feel more important. He can understand that a little more. In reality I don't know what to tell others how to deal with me, I just don't want no one to give up on me.....I wish you the best luck toward your process to recovery, you'll get through this,..

I feel like the odd person out anywhere that I work. Will I ever fit in? I keep changing my "career" path and now I am in school and doubting that I will be able to that which I am training for. If only we could believe in ourselves.

I understand completely. I feel the same way. You express the pain, fear, and the way I usually relate to others exactly. I keep learning more about bpd by reading your words and others on this site. It's amazing to me that this illness seems to affect every aspect of my life. And now as I'm just starting on my journey to "heal " myself, I'm wondering who will I be without the symptoms of bpd. What will be left? I don't think I express myself as well as you do, so I'm not sure if that makes sense but it worries me. I know I need to get better, but it's scary at the same time.

I totally understand. The only way I can be real or honest without manipulation is on here. I feel like you were speaking my words. Only someone else with BPD can truly understand.

I know how you feel, as Im sure many others on here do too. I also wear a mask, no one even believes I have this because I hide it so well. My mother just finished an epic battle with me over email. She called me manipulative, selfish and basically a terrible person. I told her I had BPD yet she still pokes at me and makes it so much worse. Sometimes I think she has it too, and worse than me. Just kno that you arent alone *hugs*