The Circle Of Pain

I have written before of how I form severe attachments to men and how I was free of an attachment for the first time since I was 14. Tonight though, I felt myself begin to become attached to someone. He's totally not my type. He's a virgin, a nice guy, a gamer. I don't think he would be interested in me. But he makes me laugh and I just want him to want me. I keep thinking of ways to change myself so that he will be attracted to me, so that he could love me. He is such a nice guy that I wish he would like the real me before I screw it all up and start changing myself. I truly think I am awesome and that guys would be lucky to have me but I also think that guys would never want me. Does anyone have any advice on how to stop this destructive habit? I want to be myself and see where it could go naturally but I am having a hard time forcing myself not to change for him and I'm afraid I will lose the battle.
gablurch gablurch
26-30, F
2 Responses Sep 6, 2012

Hey there, I'm borderline too, and like you I've been forming severe, unhealthy attachments to guys since I was 12. The longest period of my adult life I've spent without a boyfriend was 3 months, and that's because the loneliness got to me so bad I went back to him even though I knew in my heart from day one I didn't want to be with him - I just needed to be with somebody.<br />
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I have the same cognitive dissonance as you do, I like myself (sometimes) and I think guys would be lucky to have me, but then I have no self confidence and am always trying to impress them and end up doing outlandish things to get attention or claiming to be someone I'm not.<br />
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I could give you the whole, "be yourself" story, but, borderline to borderline, I know that's not going to help. Here's my advice: make them want you by playing hard to get. Do your best to bury your fears that if you don't pursue them, they won't pursue you. Guys like the chase, they like mystery, they want what they can't have. Now, I'm not saying play hard to get by forcing yourself to be some dashing debonair princess that you're not, but tease them with information. Tell them intriguing, obscure little nuggets about yourself (that are true) that will make them want to know more. Let them call you first, text you first, ask you on a date first. I can't tell you how many times I've been the forward one in the relationship and it's bit me in the ***!<br />
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You're finding yourself wanting to change for him because you're afraid that who you are won't be compatible with who he is, but you already know that forcing yourself to be someone your not will always end in disaster, mental fatigue and resentment. You have to remind yourself that you won't have to force yourself to be someone your not for the right guy, and there are plenty of guys out there (the 'one' or otherwise) who will be compatible with you just the way you are. And, for all you know, feeling like you have to change to be in a relationship with this guy may be all in your head; he may not feel that way at all!

I think you should always stay true to yourself. Some guys are just shy and don't approach or proposition women. If you put yourself out there you have to know that rejection may ensue. I know its hard as a bp to accept that rejection but not everyone is gonna be into one another. Just because one or maybe even more men are not into a certain lady doesn't mean no one will be. Love and relationships should not be one sided. If he is a seriously addicted gamer, women may take the back seat in his life anyway, and things like that are out of your control. What is in your control is trying to detach a bit, as not to scare him off and let things progress naturally. If you are the one doing all the calling and visiting and watching him play video games while you're there, then you must ask yourself: is this what I REALLY WANT AND NEED?