Do You Ever ??

do you ever hurt so bad you feel as though you wont ever be okay again?
and then feel so great you are sure you are not aloud to feel that good?

i hate being so so so so happy and realising it and feeling so unworthy i go out of my way to ruin things so i can feel bad like i know im meant to.

sometimes the pain i feel inside is so great i cant even peel myself off of the bathroom floor, or i will go on a binge for hours, or maybe spend cash i dont have just to pretend i am happy for a little while, of course ending up just feeling worthless and ashamed.

i find i get excited very easily and then also very disappointed very quickly, i often have wild passionate sex followed by hours of dirtyness that follows.

i suffer from flash back and very bad mood swings that sometimes end violently, i often self harm in all kinds of ways sometimes just for self punishment other times without even knowing it.

sometimes i dont know where i am or what i am doing, i feel happy sad , anxious and angry all at once and feel as though i could lose it at any second and take my own life just because in that moment i feel like it.

do you ever just feel crazy ?

sometimes i feel crazy because everyone tries to tell me im normal and to shut up and stop being silly, to snap out of it and keep my chin up, that its all in my head.

i guess the truth is it is all in my head, right? i just wish i could escape it.

soveryBPD soveryBPD
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 11, 2012

I wish for you that it will calm down a bit with age. You are fortunate to at least have knowledge of why you are the way you are while you are still fairly young. I hope you choose to do the work and keep not giving up. I think God

God would not allow people to be afflicted by this bpd if he knew we wern't strong enough; there is some reason we ended up the way we are other than just screwed up childhoods. Your posted story helps so many to feel comfort in not being alone in this, so thank you.

Welcome to the roller coaster. Stay strong. Seek professional help. Maybe mood stabilizers. Talk. There are many your age on here. And try not to smack the people who think you can just get over it. They can't understand. You are young so you can get back to a normal life :) You aren't crazy, just fighting more than most people could bare. You're a fighter. Stay strong and take care.