Still Looking How To Explain Bpd

Draft attempt 1 - feedback welcome. please don't read if depressed already.

What BPD presence feels like to me.

It would be presumptuous of me to say how it feels for all victims, but I will attempt to try and say how it feels for me. Many people, including me, need a way of explaining this condition. People who haven’t had BPD can’t really understand it. It’s like trying to explain a colour to a man who was born blind, or explain love to a machine. People can read all the texts and hear all the descriptions in the world, but it just doesn’t quite convey a feeling others have never had. Perhaps instead of calling it a feeling, I should call it a presence. It is there when you wake up, it is there every second of the day in the forefront of your mind. It is there when you try to sleep. Mostly it is there when you are alone, and to have BPD is to be alone for most of us. It yells at you when you are quiet. It tries to drag you down. I find it to be like seeing every little part of your life through fake eyes you don’t trust. Eyes the doctors tell you aren’t seeing things the way they really are.

The fear is intense. The fear you will loose control. The fear you will do something regrettable. The fear you will never get better. The fear your destiny is written in stone and it isn’t promising. The fear you will scare people away, and you can’t trust anyone. You’ve been burnt so much already to be where you are that trust in another is a very big ask. You can’t even trust yourself to make wise choices anymore.

As if the world wasn’t scary enough, then there are the night mares and sudden paranoid attacks. Something is in the shadows. Sometimes you go to your regular shops and suddenly the world is too big, too loud, too crowded you need to grab something solid. Breathing rapidly. Irrational. Nothing in the real world has changed from a few seconds beforehand. Just paranoia. Nights are the worst. Every little noise is a break in. I must leave the TV on all night and drink when I can. An escape.

This gets harder for me now. (Deep breath). I used to have mood swings before diagnosis and treatment. I was so content when I was just working all day and coming home to a loving partner and kids. Fear of abandonment was my biggest trigger. Lie to me, ignore me, or make me feel like a second choice, and that was it. Once triggered my anger had almost no limit (never violence to women and kids). I would punch through walls, car windows etc. I just wanted them to listen. I wanted them to understand how they hurt me. They blame drinking, but I say drinking was the symptom, not the cause. Now I am over all that. I wonder and have so much self doubt. I often ask myself “Was that reaction normal”. I am not proud of how I used to be when fear of abandonment threatened to destroy my world. Thankfully it was rare. The stupid thing is that usually I encouraged partners to go out and get their own life for there own fulfilment and it usually bit me in the arse. Then I am alone, get depressed, choose a bad woman and wham. Total blinded Euphoria. Luckiest bloke in the world. Back on the old roller coaster.

The fears, anxiety, and paranoia of course are small compared to the depression. The pain. The spontaneous crying. The agony. The hopelessness. It is what consumes you and taints every thought you have through the day. How many times a day does this overwhelming sadness make me just want to do something rash on the spur of the moment. Is life worth living when there is no realistic hope left. ( I speak only for myself in my particular situation). Isn’t it torture to expect someone to live like this. It seems cruel to me. If my horse had a broken leg, I’d do the humane thing for it and people would agree. If I was kept alive by machines my family would thankfully unplug it (I hope). Please take note that I am older than most people on this site. The young still have a chance to heal. They still have hope. My life can only go downhill from here and facing that alone seems like pure hell. The young have a release date from this to live a long happy life and find love.

Whilst I have made all my preparations, I am now curious to ride it out as long as I can. I’d hate my kids to think of me as a coward rather than a fighter. I’ve lost too much of their respect already. I’ll stay for now, at least till it gets even worse. I do feel that my next attempt will be third time lucky. Until then you never know. Might win lotto. You may ask why I am still here. The answer is this. Whilst I am no use to my kids at the moment and their feelings for me may fade, one day they might need me. It’s not much to reach for, but it is something positive.

This may sound stupid, but I’d love to have known I had BPD in my early twenties. I could have been treated and still have my business, my kids and bought a house etc. I honestly believe that every bad choice and damaging mood swing, rage, clinginess and generally driving people away was down to BPD. It was textbook. Oh well. Another 12 months and i apparently might be cured for the first time in my life. :)

Do I even need to go into the self loathing issues ? No….good. I’m about to spend a few days on the road. Alone with my worst enemy…me LOL. This is all the negative I can handle at the moment so I’m going to bed. . I hope nothing I said offends anyone or sounds too self indulgent. I am just searching for a way to describe this to others so they understand us.

The mask I wear isn’t just to protect me. It also protects others from the horrible person I must be. A topic for another day.

Thankyou for reading and letting me take my emotions for a walk,
Good luck to everyone.

P.S – I recommend: Zen, meditation, mindfulness and schema therapy. Despite what I write I have healed a lot in 18 months.
AussieAZ AussieAZ
46-50, M
2 Responses Sep 11, 2012

nail on the head

The part where u describe what it is like to feel the presence of BPD and what it does, <br />
is exactly what I feel and experience of BPD. <br />
<br />
excuse me for typing maybe not completely grammatically right.