It's All Too Much

I find that my life works pretty well and I can keep on top of my BPD when I have a strict schedule I can stick to. Know what you can't schedule? Your brother going to jail and your mom checking out emotionally leaving you holding the big stinking bag.

My brother we diagnosed schizophrenic 5 years ago and since then my mom has had to take care of his financial stuff. She also has to drive him to his Dr. appointments or else he won't go. Then stuff started getting tough and it seems like that's when she just checks out. She plans vacations when the tough stuff happens and leaves me to deal with it all. My brother stole the checkbook and ATM card? She went to the beach and I was left alone in the house and told to lock him out. My brother starts doing drugs again and getting violent on the ride to his Dr. appointments? She stops switching shifts at work and makes me drive him everywhere. My brother calls to tell us he is in jail for manufacturing a controlled substance? She goes to the mountains. Then comes home crying because her mother was mean to her so I have to feed her comfort food and find things to cheer her up. The irony.

I do feel bad for my mom. She has 2 kids, one diagnosed schizophrenic, one borderline. I just wish she wouldn't check out so much. I can't handle all my brother's ****. People tell me I'm not a good sister, I don't give a crap. I stopped caring about my brother back in high school when he started stealing our stuff to do drugs. I feel like my mom doesn't count my feelings into anything. If things get tough for her, I'll be there to take up the slack. But the slack is killing me. He moves into our house whenever he gets kicked out of a place and that is intolerable. He pushes my buttons in a big way. I remember one time we were fighting because he crapped on the back of my toilet seat and I wanted him to clean it up and he argued with me, I actually saw red and lost control of my actions. That had never happened before. My mom just sat back and told me that if I wanted him gone then I had to find him a place to live and kick him out. She always does that. She doesn't treat me as her kid, she treats me as her equal and like a second parent to my brother. The really crappy part is that I am the youngest in the family and I'm the one making sure that the bills are paid on time, we have food in the fridge, and my brother doesn't kill us both in our sleep.

I can't handle it anymore. I've tried talking to my mom about it, that didn't help. I've even tried all my little stress relievers like taking a long bubble bath or cuddling with my best friend. Those take care of the intense stress for about an hour or 2 but then I have to face it all again and I end up crying in my bed. I just wish I could make my mom face up to this stuff. Worst part is, when he gets out, he will have to live with us again because he lost his disability since he plead guilty to a felony. Hopefully they give him the whole 7 years in jail and I can work towards moving out before he gets out. I think I would kill myself if I had to live with him again with no hope of a respite.
gablurch gablurch
26-30, F
1 Response Sep 11, 2012

Wow......and I thought life was tough. Where have you found the strength to get this far ? Any way you can checkout and go on holiday ?

I wish I could go on vacation but money is too tight right now. Thank you so much for reminding me that I have strength. I guess I just always think of myself as weak. You just might be my savior right now.

Well it is strength and i ain't blowing smoke. You carry BPD, your mum and that brother. I know which one I'd off-load first. Sounds like you've been doing it for years. I think you need to sit down with mum and say "mum, we got some dead weight to get rid off.". Call me heartless, but I hear over and over that you have to look out for number one. Apparently everyone else does (from what I am told). Just stay strong and vent when you need :)