Deep Breaths And Baby Steps

I'm 25 female and new to this group. I've had BPD among other disorders since adolescence. The reason I'm joining the group today is that in my struggle to hold on to my identity I worry that talking about my bpd to outsiders will make it seem like I'm using the disorder to define my identity instead of it just being a small part of my bigger picture (though I'm often unsure of what my bigger picture is).
I'm starting to learn that my personal identity problems are stemming from the always uncertain reactions from my parent and her ever changing opinion of me. Growing up I was never sure if I was an intelligent A student, or just a dumb child that couldn't understand the complex inner workings of adults. Was I the solid rock that held my family together, or the problem driving my mother's alcoholism and destructive behavior? The truth is I still don't really know. I watch myself change my personality to best fit my surroundings. I can understand that it's a defense mechanism but even when I want to go into a new situation with honesty I seem to flip a switch and turn into a performer.
It seems that when I'm around people and constantly stimulated I'm able to just focus on the current "now" of things and take it one step at a time. If I'm alone for a day or more my symptoms grow to proportions I can't handle on my own. The anxiety from my inner turmoil has also taken on a life of it's own, but I can't seem to trust a doctor long enough to find long-term help. To be perfectly honest I'm not even sure if I'll be a steady member here or if I'll never return. But as uncertain as everything feels I know that if nothing else I just have a little voice here, with you, whomever you may be. And if right now you're not sure who you are, well I hope you find comfort in knowing that that's okay too. Tonight I'll be uncertain, but tomorrow I'll be a worker, the next day I'll be an artist, and after that if nothing else we'll all be humans, together. So here is one little post, one little voice, one deep breath, and the first baby step to being okay with just "being".
-Denny
DennySoup DennySoup
22-25, F
Sep 12, 2012