Living With

Since a very young age it's been evident that I had some differences, I was creative and loving even passionate but I had a hard time communicating what I wanted in a proper manner, my anger learnt to take control of me, I learnt to manipulate long before I knew the definition of the word, I was good at blowing things out of proportion, using cold words and causing a scene. On another hand I was sensitive, with skin thinner then most, sympathetic, and mature when it came to feeling things, yet so immature when it came to expressing them. I grew up in a household where i felt small, and inadequate, the daily arguments I'd get my self into were more then I could handle I often felt like I was going to explode out of my own brain. When I became a teenager, things took a scary turn in my life, I lost five very close family members before the age of 16, having a small, separated family , this wasn't as easy as I convinced myself it was. Growing up, friendship was always an awkward thing to me, I felt I had to be whoever others wanted me to be, and no one really wanted to be my friend, so when I was excepted into a whole new group of friends at 13, it didn't matter that I'd be going down a road of sex, drugs, alcohol, rape , harder drugs, bad people and total loss of self, of course I didn't know the outcome at the time, but i was pleased with being numb to my surroundings to my reality which I could not comprehend. Many broken relationships, outbursts of anger, tears and screaming later I was diagnosed with bbd, at first I felt good about it, like I finally had a group I belonged to, Like I could finally understand, Though that didn't last long. I'm currently living in the same state of mind I had been my whole, I'm not medicated, and I know i need help, though I can't scream loud enough, I live with my father , and though im alone most of the time, I can't bare the idea of living at my mothers and being the daughter I am, I miss her every day she is my only real support. I have been in and out of crisis units, mental hospitals and even holding cells, Im 17 now, Im not a bad person, but I have a very hard time coping, I hope that anyone who feels like I do, knows they aren't alone, and that even if no one else wants to be there for me, Ill be there for anyone.
daniellerose4 daniellerose4
1 Response Sep 16, 2012

Hi Darlin, I am a 29 year old woman and i finally have been diagnosed and alot of what you said made so much sense to me......I have just got out of hospital and am medicated but still lost and not sure what to do half the time.....its such a frusturating thing feeling you dont belong anywhere in society but i am positive there are many others in your age group who suffer this illness....I am here anytime you want to talk i will even text you my mobile number.....i feel for you intensly as i completey understand where your at. be positive xxx