I Can't Get Myself To Get Help

I self diagnosed myself with Borderling Personality disorder a year ago. I was overwhelmed by my emotions. I idealized a man, and when rejected I gave myself a black eye. Searching for attention. Hoping then he will take care of me, love me.
A few hours later i was horrified at what I had done to myself. i desperately searched for the answer. The symptoms of Borderline matched perfectly to my personality.
But then, I got over "it" i hadn't suffered any symptoms, figured I was just being an attention seeker i ignored what I had done.
After returning from a Trip to Haiti, everything began to go downhill.
I had experienced culture shock
I have gone through so many relationships, romantic and friendly, that have all ended in being left. Everytime someone left my life I would become depressed.
I began having impulsive and frequent sex, casually dating, and controlling everyone.
If I control them, they can't control me.

I long for intamcy.
I self harm myself, more and more frequently.
I go through multiple mood swings multiple times a day.
And in the instant where I decide to talk to someone or get help, I walk out the door to go do it, and then instantly feel happier. I decide not to get help. Convince myself I am fine.
I can't get myself to get better.
I suffer denial because I self diagnosed myself.
So how do I know its actually real?
eliseburger eliseburger
1 Response Sep 18, 2012

hmmmm....perhaps next time you are going to get help, think of it as going to find peace of mind. A proper diagnosis is step one to a cure. It looks like BPD, but many other illness can resemble BPD (eg bipolar, schizophrenia, manic depression etc) and it is hard to diagnose. Perhaps your self denial and subconcious are affecting you when you go for help. BPD victims hate themselves and punish themself (consiously or not). We are often unable to do things to benefit our situation or ourself. Whatever it is bringing you all this pain, I hope you can correctly identify it and make it go away.
Best of luck.