Need Help In Understanding Who I Am

 

I just wanted to talk to someone. It may all sound a bit silly really. For a few years I’ve always questioned the way I think, feel and the way I behave at times. I am never sure why I am like this but always knew I did things different from what the norm is. I have a very low confidence and self esteem which has controlled a lot of my life. If someone criticise me I believe I am no good at anything and it is very hard to get out of a depressive state. I am always looking for some attention or other and need a lot of positive praise to make myself feel better. It kind of controls my life like I said. My parents and other family member think I am rude and negative at times and find it all to annoying. My parents don’t want to know anymore about the way I feel at times
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I question a lot of my friends motivates and feel like everyone is against me. I have to keep saying to myself “don’t be silly”. I don’t trust a lot of people. But the weird thing is a spill all my sob stories and every single detail about things that should be kept quiet. I don’t realise I do this until I think about it afterwards which I think to myself why did I do that and I stress and worry and get myself upset afterwards.

My emotions can change quite quickly as you can see so far. I can be in a good mood one minute and if something as silly as (my brother leaving a huge mess in the kitchen) I can get very angry not just annoyed but I am raging over it. I think to myself afterwards there was no need to be that angry. I also get depressed quite easily as well. I ended up having a go at my cousin (one whom we don’t get along well) one family event. I mean really took it out on her. She never really was nice to me and she said something really horrible to which I just snapped. I ended up hitting her over it, I just seen red. I know afterwards I didn’t mean to it just happened. I am so awful.
I am very much on perfection to do with the way I look. I was bullied in school for the acne I had and I has left me feeling I cannot leave the house in a certain way. I used to always dress up in the house even if I wasn’t going out. I have now been able to control this but it still leaves me thinking “What do people think of me?”

I have harmed in the past and I went to counselling on my own accord as I never told anyone in my family this. It was due to me think I was not worthless and I was ugly and someone had said something to me which just pushed it to far. I know myself I would never do it again but the thoughts of it and killing myself still are there. I always think people would be better off without me.

I know this is a lot and I can sound really stupid and I am sorry for that. I just thought I needed to get it all out. Am I crazy? I don’t know whether it is depression or a personality disorder?

amberwolf55 amberwolf55
22-25, F
2 Responses Sep 20, 2012

You need to surround yourself with people that get you, validate you, and see you for who you really are. And stay away from people that do the opposite. Just like children and animals sense if they like someone, we have the same instinct. Be aware how people make you feel. Once you have some support you can feel secure enough to start asking yourself who you really are. You are wonderfully and fearfully made, there's a beautiful person inside of you.

My ex-wife has BPD, it can be frustrating for her as well as those around her as people do not understand. Medication can help, yet you must be vigilant and always remember to take it, even if you feel really good.
Also, there are programs available that can teach you how to control the situation on your own. They are intensive and require complete dedication in order for you to have a realistic shot at recovery.

Take care