I Know What I Need To Do But . . .

I know I don't want another attachment. I know I love myself. I know I am a great person. I know I have come a long way. BUT, patience is never going to be a virtue for me.

I want to do things right this time. But I also have to stay true to myself. I have a group of guys I hang out with all time and to the casual observer I would come off as a little slutty. I let them touch my boobs. I have really big boobs and they all love to touch them and play with them. But it went a little far the other night. We tend to hang out on a friend's front porch smoking and talking. So I started messing around with a couple of the guys. I started off by poking them in the crotch and feeling up their leg. It was harmless. At least in my world it was harmless. Then one of the guys told me to leave my hand on his crotch. I have been attracted to this guy since the first time I met him years ago. I was surprised that he wanted me to basically touch his man parts. I didn't let it go any further than that though. Every part of me was screaming to go further with him. I just didn't want to be that girl anymore that put out to get a guy to like me. It never works.

Later on that night I drove him home and we got to talking. Eventually I admitted that I was attracted to him. He was surprised and told me that women never touch him or tell him they are attracted to him. I decided to go for broke and asked him if he is attracted to me. He told me he is. That blew my mind. He told me he was very attracted to my personality and that I was awesome and not to let my BPD convince me to change myself for him. He likes me the way that I am.

This could be a really good thing for me. Even my friend who I confide in is fully behind the match. He says we are a lot alike in our randomness and that he can see it happening.

I'm not playing hard to get though. I'm not playing games either. I'm just waiting to see if he makes the next move. I've made all the moves from here on in and now it's his turn. But the wait is killing me. I have never been patient. For every day that passes I become more convinced that he was just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings and he really isn't attracted to me. I felt good right after he said it and now I'm losing all the ground I've gained. I want it all now. Every time I think of him I plot a little manipulation to force his hand. I don't want to use them though. I want this to be organic. I just wish he would make a move already.

If he doesn't make a move I will be ok. It's the not knowing that is killing me. I guess I just need to relax, take some time to myself and try to keep my brain from spinning away. I hope it works.
gablurch gablurch
26-30, F
Sep 22, 2012