A Mess...

That's exactly what I feel like all the time... is a mess. My depression is so bad that it takes all of my energy to wind myself up and go about my day like nothing is wrong. I don't enjoy anything anymore... my days are spent dreading having to leave the house... having to interact with others. If life had a pause button, I would have hit it a long time ago. I'm not to the point of wanting to kill myself, but I certainly have been thinking about all of the things I would say in a note or video should I ever decide to leave one. I would want to stress that depression, BPD, alcoholism, and any other personality disorder problem is just about the loneliest thing you could ever go through. Nobody around you understands what it's like. All they see is a person they perceive as being too lazy, or lacking of willpower to do anything about their situation. Whenever I try to talk to my friends or family about what I am feeling and why life feels so hard, they either give me blank look or tell me that I just need to "snap" out of it. I feel completely alone and completely helpless... What am I supposed to do to feel better? I can't turn to anyone for support because nobody gets it... nobody gets why I feel better when I drink until I can't remember. Nobody gets why I just don't want to show up to family functions. Nobody gets why my living space isn't all perfectly kept up and neat. And no amount of explaining will ever make sense to them... none of them. I feel like I'm reaching the end of my ability to hold on and just pretend like everything is ok. I don't want to have a mental breakdown, I don't want to kill myself... But I don't know how much longer I can deal with feeling this hopeless, helpless, and alone. I asked my doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist and I desperately hope I get it... I will keep trying... I just pray that I meet no resistance along the way. I wish more people knew what it was like to feel this way... to feel like life is such a huge chore. I think about my future, but see absolutely nothing good coming of me doing anything. It seems like no matter how hard I try, nothing works out. I try to think about having a husband... a family one day... but I can't even fathom a world in which a man would give me a second thought. I don't feel like I have a place in this world. Like I'm here purely to experience everything bad that can happen in life. Abuse, all across the board. Physical, emotional, sexual... And I still try to be a good person. I've been told before that despite all I've been through I've somehow been able to maintain a kind heart and a compassionate soul. I just wish that life wouldn't try so mercilessly to beat that out of me. I know I'm a good person deep down... and I know that I could offer somebody a world of love, support, and loyalty...... but I just seem to drive people away too. I think my depression and lack of social skills drive people away... I seem to make just about everyone I encounter uncomfortable in my presence. I've no idea how to conduct myself around others. Maybe that's just from the BPD or the general profound depression... maybe they can all tell that I'm faking it when I smile... that inside I'm just dying to not have people looking at me for fear of what they're thinking... I'm just dying to have a normal life... I'd give anything to just be normal...
sapphiresky86 sapphiresky86
26-30, F
3 Responses Sep 24, 2012

I feel exactly like you do, a mess, like I am spinning my wheels and going no where. Is a messy house a symptom of our disorganized bpd minds? I am so scared that I am screwing up my son, how could I not? All the disorganization, extreme emotions flying, my disciplinary inconsistencies, criticism of myself and him, and my lack of belief in myself. It must be so confusing. How can I teach him love and confidence, when I don't even know how to have/keep those things? I feel so sorry for him that he has a headcase like me for a mom. His dad isn't much better.

You are most definitely not alone. I hope you don't ever have the nagging feeling like it would be so much better to drive so fast into a brick wall. I would probably live and end up being more of a burden to this world. I hope you can tame the monster. I know you are tired, I am too. Best wishes to you.

I'm not very good at saying the right thing. But i just wanted to say...
You are not alone and we understand. Keep going because your live is valuable, you are a valuable person. As viv69 said you will beat this.
I hope you are okay as you read this. Your so strong, to get this far. We are all so strong to have gotten this far.

Well described. Best wishes in recovery :)