Where Do I Go From Here?

Yesterday I was finally told what was wrong with me.

I was in hospital last year and no one told me anything. After trying to commit suicide I thought I had bipolar like my father did, but evidently not.

When I fell in a heap yesterday morning after my partner left for work, I drove half an hour to see my old doctor, who sent me right back to the mental health team I'd seen last year. The intake officer asked me (while consulting notes from my admission last year) if I'd ever had my condition explained. No...

So no one told me that the reason I burst into tears whenever my partner goes to work, out with his friends, or simply to the shops without me is because I have BPD. No one told me that the reason I can't stop crying over everything from a puppy on the television playing with toilet paper to the deaths of my parents is because I have BPD. No one told me that the reason I hold onto everything in my life so tightly is because I have BPD. And no one told me that when I can't get to sleep until 4 in the morning, am convinced that everyone is out to get me, am frantically looking through my partner's phone, and am suspicious of every single person I meet is because I have BPD.

I have two children. They live with their father, and I haven't seen them in about eight months now. I miss them like crazy, but their father thinks it's best that I don't see them. Believe me, not seeing them is killing me.

Are there other people like me out there? They keep talking about how people with BPD abuse their partners, and are violent. All I ever do is buy lots of things for my partner, spend heaps of money on him, and do everything I can for him so he won't leave me. I suffocate him with love - I never yell or hurt him physically. Is there anyone out there who can relate to me?

maybecrazy maybecrazy
26-30, F
12 Responses May 10, 2007

I am violent toward my boyfriend. I hit him, spit on him, and call him names. I throw and shatter things all over the house. I even threaten to hurt myself at times. I have an obsession of picking my skin but do not cut or mutilate myself anymore. I do all of the other things you mentioned such as having separation anxiety, jealousy, paranoia, trust issues, and lots an lots of anger.<br />
I too have children that I never see and it tears me apart just to think about them but shamefully I made that choice so they wouldn't have to deal with me. I have good days believe it or not. I feel "normal" at times but I never go through a day without causing some kind of chaos. I haven't really told many of my friends or family about my diagnosis because they already suspected that I was a nutcase but now it would be proof.<br />
I see my therapist, who happens to be a student intern for college, and he is fantastic with me. He says all of the right things to make me smile (although I am not truly convinced of his findings) and I can fake it through another day.<br />
Finding this chat site has made me realize that I am not alone and there are others out there who have the same questions and surprisingly the same stories. I read someones post the other day that could have been my own.

I can totally relate to you. I spend all my time trying to make all the people I love happy so that they never leave me! Even though I want to leave my fiance, I can't because I'm so hard-wired to want him to stay with me! It's really frustrating, and I'm hoping some professional treatment is all I'll need to clear some of this up! How are you doing now?

read my blog it may help you, i have bpd and am in therapy so i just created a blog and i share my experiences and add things i learn in therapy....you may get something out of it :o) http://naclivingwithbpd.blogspot.com/

yes. not all bpds are mean horrible nasty abusers. i hate that most forums about bpd regard us in that light, because for me its not at all true. i completely identify with your behaviours, and honestly, i think we as a group, just get hated on a lot. i also think that people see bpd as an excuse for bad behaviour sometimes, when really the person we hurt most, ALWAYS, is ourselves. god i wish more bpd sufferers would stand up against this all too common misconception. thank you :)

All the labels doctors put on matters of the mind and heart are pure crap. People feel more in control if they can put a label on something even if it makes no difference to recovery. By accepting a label you are giving up what little personal power you feel you have. I know from experience that some behaviors can't be controlled right away, but by working on the things you can change you can get stronger and eventually learn to live a happy and fulfilling life, but you have to give up on the idea of being "normal" just like everyone else. Wasn't it Thoreau who said "Most men (and women) live lives of quiet desparation."? There is NO normal. Being ultra happy and well adjusted is the least normal state of all

Don't let other people tell you who you are, no matter whether they are professionals or not. You know who you are. Believing in yourself is hard, believe me, I should know. But once you start doing that you will find out that this diagnosis is not who you are, it does not define you. You are a human being, with a personality, with flaws and wonderful qualities too, you have a problem, a disease, but that doesn't make you incapable of living a good life. You will find a way, don't stop believing.

Don't let other people tell you who you are, no matter whether they are professionals or not. You know who you are. Believing in yourself is hard, believe me, I should know. But once you start doing that you will find out that this diagnosis is not who you are, it does not define you. You are a human being, with a personality, with flaws and wonderful qualities too, you have a problem, a disease, but that doesn't make you incapable of living a good life. You will find a way, don't stop believing.

I can relate to you. I have BPD and have never been violent to anyone in my life. If anything; in the past, I've been quilty of holding on too tight. Tightly enough as to cause the very thing I am trying to prevent, loss or abandonement.<br />
<br />
BPD can come in varying degrees as with any other personality trait, its not all black and white. It's not all one extreme.<br />
<br />
The fear of losing someone (perception) can cause us to hold on too tight as someone holding a precious flower still growing in the bright sunlight. We can unknowingly block the very sun and rain that nourishes the ob<x>ject of our affection.<br />
We can accidentally hold something too tightly as to smother it. <br />
<br />
We are responding to a present situation ba<x>sed on what has happened in our past. Loss, abandonement where there shoudn't have been. We try to prevent it from ever occurring again by holding tighter but in the end we grasp too tightly and cause that loss that which we are trying to hold onto.<br />
<br />
Time, therapy and understanding can go a long way. Newer research hold out much hope than previously thought. It wont be easy, but can be done.<br />
Best wishes on your journey. May your road find you peace, balance and love.<br />
:)

I can relate as well, and I'm sure that I will be diagnosed soon I am in theropy now. I do have major depression and I do all the crying that you do and probably more. Thank you for your story, it helped.

"So no one told me that the reason I burst into tears whenever my partner goes to work, out with his friends, or simply to the shops without me is because I have BPD. No one told me that the reason I can't stop crying over everything from a puppy on the television playing with toilet paper to the deaths of my parents is because I have BPD. No one told me that the reason I hold onto everything in my life so tightly is because I have BPD. And no one told me that when I can't get to sleep until 4 in the morning, am convinced that everyone is out to get me, am frantically looking through my partner's phone, and am suspicious of every single person I meet is because I have BPD."<br />
<br />
I do all of the above. I havent been to a therapist yet....I even physically act out through my violence but i HOPE i am learning to control it. I can totally relate to u...

I so relate to you. They diagnosed me years ago and through therapy I have learned how to help myself not try to suffocate others. I'm still trying to buy friendships though and do too much for others. <br />
I have learned how much God loves me and He will never never leave me. He just loves me, I don't have to earn it. <br />
And He loves you too. He made you and knew the things you would be dealing with, so reach out to Him by talking to Him. Ask Him to show Himself to you. <br />
Be blessed, elaine

I so relate to trying not to suffocate others, buying friendships and doing to much for others..it doesn't work, thanks for the insight Elaine, I have been thinking a lot about God lately, but I am scared.

they are right. I have BDP and there are many symptoms and almost no one has every single symptom. doctors dont think im mean or manipulative and i dont abuse my partners either. i dont cut. but I still most def have a "personality style issue" (lol) BPD is hard but don't believe everything you hear about what you are supposed to be. you try the therapy they suggest and take your meds and focus on getting better because MANY people with BPD do recover. you work hard in that therapy so you can get back to your children. they miss you too. they love you too as much as you love them, and you all are a family and that is blessed.