Yesterday I was finally told what was wrong with me.
I was in hospital last year and no one told me anything. After trying to commit suicide I thought I had bipolar like my father did, but evidently not.
When I fell in a heap yesterday morning after my partner left for work, I drove half an hour to see my old doctor, who sent me right back to the mental health team I'd seen last year. The intake officer asked me (while consulting notes from my admission last year) if I'd ever had my condition explained. No...
So no one told me that the reason I burst into tears whenever my partner goes to work, out with his friends, or simply to the shops without me is because I have BPD. No one told me that the reason I can't stop crying over everything from a puppy on the television playing with toilet paper to the deaths of my parents is because I have BPD. No one told me that the reason I hold onto everything in my life so tightly is because I have BPD. And no one told me that when I can't get to sleep until 4 in the morning, am convinced that everyone is out to get me, am frantically looking through my partner's phone, and am suspicious of every single person I meet is because I have BPD.
I have two children. They live with their father, and I haven't seen them in about eight months now. I miss them like crazy, but their father thinks it's best that I don't see them. Believe me, not seeing them is killing me.
Are there other people like me out there? They keep talking about how people with BPD abuse their partners, and are violent. All I ever do is buy lots of things for my partner, spend heaps of money on him, and do everything I can for him so he won't leave me. I suffocate him with love - I never yell or hurt him physically. Is there anyone out there who can relate to me?