Undercover

been playing this game for a while now.  back and forth between angelic and demonic.  filled with anxiety and chronically disconnected from reality. perception is flawed.  my refugee is my work ironically i have a MA in psychology.  that is how i figured it out.  when i took abnormal psy in undergrad, we learned about bpd and i though that is me.  almost every aspect.  i researched and researched and finally went to a shrink.  he confirmed it.

but i'm undercover i look good on paper.  but inside i'm a complete mess.  i'm empty inside. every relationship is a failure because i destroy and sabotage it.  i battle with the knife, the drinking.  hanging on by a thread.  try to stay positive but when things get to good i rip it all apart.  i can't keep still for longer enough to get settled.  my moods are rapidly changing i can't focus unless i drown myself.  i can't control my actions or moods.  i will be elated than fluctuate to anxiety or anger.  

I hate my existence and wish I had the courage to............

instead of just...........

 

jukia2 jukia2
22-25, F
5 Responses Jul 23, 2008

Ha undercover makes me smile that is exactly the game I have played I just act and fake it all and am extremely good at it but it gets me so tired and angry after awhile...I feel like an outlaw or something sometimes just crazy and like I am a bad guy and love it lol

Interesting you found my post from what seams like a million years ago. Still hear but still feel the same only thing that keeps me going is my daughter who is about to be six.

I feel exactly how you feel, if you want to talk about it or wouldnt mind listening to me that would be nice.

Just saw your story. Like you understand me I do understand your feelings too. I rather be gone aswell but some peoples are holding me back! Maybe for the best! There is always that tough off "what iff".<br />
I just find it hard peoples don't know about what i feel! I would like to scream it of the roofs but I know that this doens't work in this society! You'll always be judged! I sometimes even think I do it because I don't want to do anything! guilt guilt guilt<br />
I will stay on this URL page hoping to prove to others there is a way out without using the FINAL one.<br />
keep well in the meanwhile

I can only say that I know how it feels. Certainly the part about relationships. I just want to say you aren't alone with this. <br />
Try to hold on!!!! <br />
grtz

i have bpd order but worked through it and for 9 months have been working in mental health to help others get and stay stable like i have been for a long time now. foghorn48