I'm Beginning To Be Overtaken... Now I'm Fading...

Why is it that every time I actually need someone to be there for me their gone? Why cant you be gone when I’m moving along just fine? The demon inside me is beginning to take over, he’s reigning his ugly; powerful head once again. I can feel him clawing his way out from deep down within me. I cornered him for so long, back then he couldn’t escape because I barricaded him in. I’m not me once he overtakes, those aren’t my feelings. My thoughts. My words. Its all him… the beast within. God ive gotta ****** kill him! Ive tried but hes immortal. Waiting. Watching. Hoping for me to make a mistake, waiting for the opportune moment in which he can break through. When I’m weak.

Now I sadly am. Right now I’m falling apart. At a loss for words when I envision the type of vision I will soon be living. Just a matter of a couple hours, hes already broken free… out there somewhere. Lurking. Waiting for me to lose all my power. I cant fight him. I never stood a chance, at a glance… maybe I had thought so… but no.

He’ll capture me. It’s a game of cat and mouse. All about the timing. Undermining my gut feelings… I can sense the right from the wrong… but what I perceive as right is nothing but wrong. So for now all I can do is quietly move along, keep myself going until he decides to grab me and imprison me within myself. This is ******* wrong! Why am I being locked away, why does he get to be set free. This is my body, my mind, my heart, my soul ! and yet somehow he still will overtake me in full.

--I realize this sounds not what its labeled under... but my demon is my addiction/depression.... referring to what happens when i run out of painkillers and cant get high the withdrawals start... which is when my addiction/depression defeats me. When i finially hit the lowest point i ever will hit, starts the day i cant get high....

Yourmydevilwithin Yourmydevilwithin
4 Responses Nov 29, 2012

I understand totally... I'm in the same situation. I'm sorry for your pain but at the same time touched by your words. I stay high as much as possible to avoid my inner voice and to keep away from my BPD rage. I hope your doing ok

I totally feel ya, I deal with addiction and depression, and other things, too, and I understand feeling imprisoned within yourself, I'm feeling that right now.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Painkillers make my bpd go away, if i had access to them id definately get addicted

Thats what im saying... when im on painkillers like how i have been for the past 8 months.. literally not one single day have i not had them... until tomorrow. but im ******* completely normal.. there is nothing wrong with me. im happy. i can go to work. im not depressed. im normal and now this stupid ******* disease is going to come back and tear me apart after 8 months of running away from it. im scared and i cant do it... im getting suicidal already and i havent felt like this is forever

Wow 8 months? Do you mind if I ask what for? You have to plan for what happens when you find yourself craving it but sober. If nothing changes, nothing will change; do you know what I mean? Be proactive - you can do it!

<3 Wish i could help you in some way. You remind me of myself. I feel so content when i am high, even when crashing, i feel better than when i am totally sober. Being sober makes me feel bored, lost, confused, empty. But being high, it's something else entirely.