I Think I Have It...

I need some advice from some seasoned BPD sufferers.

For the longest time, I've felt very strongly that something's not right in my head.

I've suffered depression for many years now, but there's been a strong sense in my head that it goes further than that.

Upon discovering BPD, and learning of its symptoms, my jaw dropped. I very closely align with every symptom.

I'm insanely easily angered. To the point where I can find a face angering. A face. There's this woman on my college campus that I absolutely detest because of her face. She's not unattractive - her face is simple and clear, she has nice short hair, and people seem to like her. I absolutely f*cking hate her, because of her face. And her stupid f*cking bike. That's just one example, there are so many more.

I can go from literally loving someone, to wishing them pain and death within 20 seconds. There was this friend in our little group, whom would always spend a little more time and attention on one member of the group, and man oh man. That made me so unbelievably furious that I came so close to destroying my friendships within the entire group by yelling at him for it. Again, that's just one example.

I engage in really bad habits. I drink heavily, smoke, and eat exclusively junk food - **** the consequences. If anything, I'm happy it'll kill me quicker. I tend to just do things that are bad for me. It extends to money as well. I just got $330 from my grandparents. I have $70 now. Where the **** did it go? I can't even freaking tell you. I just spent it. I got some shoes, but that's all I can think of. I'm just obsessed with spending money. My father sends me some money every month, and I always spend it so quickly, and end up having to starve for a few days, because I can't afford food.

I get very panicked when I think I'm not holding someone's interest. I go into an internal frenzy, and start saying really freaking stupid and silly things, just so they won't leave me. I always feel like the biggest idiot afterwards. Also, I'm scared to death that my friends might do something without me. I get the tiniest, most absurd hint that they might be doing something without me, and I go insane. I check facebook frantically, blow up their phones... anything in my power to make sure they haven't left me.

I have no sense of identity. I don't know who I am. I can give you a few basic personality traits that I generally display - that's it. It drives me nuts. I can't find proper stances on anything, I'm constantly changing what I believe in, and what I align with. Things pop into my head; subcultures, ideologies, images, that I want to subscribe to, and I work up a frantic effort to try and fulfill all the general characteristics, but I always fail miserably. Then, something else pops into my head, and begin the process again. I end up remaining no one.

I feel empty. I've always felt empty. It's killing me inside.

I don't really cut myself. When it got really bad for me though, I did cut. I cut really deep, and now I have this large red scar on my arm that has been there for months, and a dozen small ones. They'll probably be there forever now. I always get the sudden urge to self injure, but I do resist it pretty well.

I'm pretty suicidal. I won't do it now, as to avoid upsetting my family, but man, I've been getting ever closer. It got really bad in the past months, and I actually bought a rope to hang myself, but a friend found it, and got rid of it. I'm stable for now, but I'm convinced that my cause of death will be self-inflicted.

So yeah... I could really use some guidance here. Does it sound like I have BPD? I don't want to bring it up with a doctor if I don't have anything like it, and then look like an idiot.

But if it does sound like I do have it, I'll make a doctor's appointment for after my 18th in January.

geneticblizzard geneticblizzard
22-25, M
2 Responses Dec 1, 2012

The fear of abandonment and self-harm along with the spending definitely makes me think you have it. Research it and develop a wide spectrum of knowledge and then decide for yourself. It supposedly improves and goes away with age. There is no cure for it, unfortunately. You can treat the symptoms with meds but there is a specialized therapy for bpd called dialectical behavior therapy. If you do the treatment with a psychologist its helpful to have a guide, but there are groups for dbt, and great books and workbooks. You have to PRACTICE what you learn, though. I follow Buddhist principles which help so much. Like appreciate instead of attach, respond instead of react and many different and helpful things. I read a book called the buddha and the borderline and i could have written it myself, it was very eye opening. Before i discovered bpd i always used to say what you said.. theres just something not right. Let me know if i can help u at all :)

Thank you so much for your response and advice. I hope I can keep this thing under control, cause I'm worried that one day I'll do something that I'd otherwise regret D:

I'll talk to a doctor about it.

You can do it but it takes a lot of hard work! Ive had this for 26 years and Ive done my research. Best wishes to you and I really hope this all works out.

Can I get some advice... please?