Please Help! I Am In Excruciating Pain & Can't Take This Life!

I am sorry that I can't go into a lot of detail at this second because I am so overwhelmed I can hardly catch my breath & I can't stop crying.
I have bpd, I'm a female & almost 40 years old so sorry to discourage you younger people who are suffering & have been told it gets better with age. It may for you but my life is worse than it has ever been. I am sick of being different, sick of feeling so emotional, uncontent, bored, sad, irritable etc etc. I am sick of seeing everyone else being able to live their lives successfully & have families, good relationships, great families and social networks! I have always tried to be happy for everyone but you just get to the point where I cant deal with my own inadequacies. I have loved so deeply and given my all in relationships just to get to that same damn point of insecurity where I push that person away. I have had to deal with people that I've cared about dying so much that I am almost numb to it. I have seen my once tight family disintegrate to the point where I feel like I have no family. I have no children because I've never had a stable relationship & even if I did my depression cripples me so bad sometimes I can't get out of bed for months. I have tried to kill myself five times (twice this year) unsuccessfully. Three hundred pills.... How can that not be enough! I know that I will end up trying again. I've tried the DBT, CBT, every type of medication. I am very attractive and smart but that makes everything worse because everyone assumes I should have no reason to be depressed. I'm done. I have nothing left to fight for. I don't want to struggle and fight this anymore I've been doing it for way to long. I have no fight left & nothing makes me happy anymore.
Thanks for letting me vent.
amh3435 amh3435
36-40
3 Responses Dec 2, 2012

Always welcome! Please message me if youd like to. :) hang in there!! I know you can do it.

Thank you tmarker86. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. It sounds like you do have some coping skills that work for you & I am happy to hear that. I've actually used some of them myself when I can calm my mind down enough and it will get me over that slump. Last night I just allowed my brain to take over and replay everything that has gone wrong & when I do that it's hard to turn that back around. Wow you tried antifreeze that must have been a hard time for you. I have not tried nuerontin but I will check it out. Thank you again!

I have walked in your shoes and spoken the same words as you. I know bpd is devastating and you feel "unneccesary" or uncomfortable. I say my mind looks like a picasso picture on meth. I smoke weed to help and it really does. Prozac and Klonopin are my desperation meds that i am on. Im only 26 but ive come up with some of my own coping skills. Respond, dont react. Appreciate, dont attach. Feelings arent facts. Fake it till you make it. Write down a list of things NOT to do - this helps with impulsivity. It is what it is. If you cant beat em, join em. I read and listen to music to distract myself. I follow Buddhist principles and its soooo close to dbt but better. Make a poster with things you like cut out of magazines. And theres always the benadryl trick. Just take 3 and sleep through the unbearable moments. Remember you have bpd, it doesnt have you! Have u tried Nuerontin? Its for treatment resistant patients and works well. I also took 300 anti anxiety pills and drank antifreeze and didnt die. Please let me know if i can help at all!