It Wont Stop...

I cant get these thoughts to stop. I am trying so hard to use skills but it feels so hopeless. My mind swells with these terrifying thoughts whenever I am alone and I am alone now... feeling like a burden, like a failure, like a waste of life and space... My Dr. recently doubled the amount of effexor that I get so that I wont run out for a while.... my fiance's mother used to be on it so she gave me three full bottles.... I know I could end it with a couple handfuls of those pretty orange pills.... I cant get these thoughts out of my head!!!!! It scares me.... I don't want to feel this way anymore. I am so sick of this. I am trying so hard but it never seems like enough... Its like someone else has control over my mind and they are constantly switching the channel to a horror movie when I am trying to enjoy a comedy... I haven't slept, I cleaned my apartment twice over and now I am waiting for someone to answer me so I dont have to sit here alone in my pain... but they are probably sick of me.... I am so confused and scared, and angry and sad... I just want it all to go away... those pretty orange pills keep calling my name.
crimsonmoonfox crimsonmoonfox
22-25, F
5 Responses Dec 2, 2012

Your story was very touching and I literally couldnt stop reading it. You think no one could possibly understand that feeling. But I do. I could have written that story myself, actually. First, I want to say that I once took Effexor and had a terrible reaction, but my uncle is on it and its a miracle drug for him. Talk to your doctor as soon as you can. Its Monday so cal as soon as you can. I have overdosed on tylenol, vicodin, percaset, cymbalta, zoloft, abilify, antifreeze, klonopin, xanax, ativan, lithium qnd so much more. The amounts I took would kill a horse but it wouldnt kill me. Really all you do when you OD on pills is pass out, wake up either in bed, in the hospital or in the mental hospital for a few days. Your vital organs take a blow which will be a problem later, everyone thinks your crazy and unstable and everyone hides their meds from you, making you feel like a complete ***. I drank a bunch of antifreeze and took 300 anti anxiety pills and was found and taken to the ICU where I was on life support, dialysis and in a coma for about a week and a half. I woke up completely disabled and pissed. Ive heard of people shooting themselves in the head and living, and people who try to hang themselves but just cut off the oxygen to their brain leaving them mentally retarded. From a survivor, dont try it.

I use words like burden often. I feel I am so dependant on everyone and its overwhelming them. Now Im disabled and really feel like a burden. I hate being alone because these thoughts quietly fill my head and emotions hit like tidal waves and are equally devastating. I fear being alone. I moved out when I was 20 but my self medicating and fear of being alone only kept me there 6 months. Im 26 now and live with my mom.

I love the way you said it feels like something is in control of your brain and keeps changing the channel. I constantly feel the very same way, but have never been able to express it as well as you. Though we think differently, we feel the same emotions. I have developed some skills of my own to cope and would love to share if you are interested. Were all in this together, just stay grounded and everything will be okay :)

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know its hard to come to terms with the things we've done in the past. I seem to be okay as long as i keep occupied and stay around people. I have overdosed in the past on seroquel and nyquil and the horrible experience of being force fed charcoal keeps me hesitant about trying it again. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to shoot myself but I couldnt deal with the thought of my fiance finding me that way... Last time I attempted I ran off into the woods so no one would find me. Fail. We just have to try and never give up.

Omg im writing right now!!

I have bpd also.

your mind can be paralyzing right. your world goes black or it goes white.

I understand completely. I am alone right now too and I do not want to be. Please forget about those pills. I don't know much, but I do know that is not the answer. I know because I have been there, more times than I can count. I often feel the way you are feeling and I can't seem to make it go away. Those thoughts and those feelings are trying to take over and you get lost in your own head. I want to tell you that you are not alone, by that I mean in how you feel. I know this may sound so cliche, I hope I spelled that right, but you will not feel like this forever. I promise. I can say that from experience. Things will get better and this will pass. I wish I could make a wish that made all of our pain and suffering go away. Since I can't, I am offering you a big smile. : )

Thank you. :)

lets be alone together