Maybe Borderline?

First off I wanted to say that I have not been diagnosed with BPD. I really need insight from individuals who are suffering from it. I've been told on more than one occasion from people with BPD that my "issues" sound a lot like it. Of course I've taken everyone's advice and opinions with a grain of salt. I have done some research and it's pretty scary how many similiarities I have. I have a fear of going to the psychiatrist because of a bad counseling experience. The counseling wasn't bad itself, but it brought up some many emotions that actually ended up causing me harm.

Okay where to begin.. I wouldn't say I had a rotten childhood but I would never say my childhood was a happy time. I was born to young parents (19) and (21). My parents were really not ready to be parents even though I was a planned baby. My parents divorced when I was around 2 and immediately my mom starting dating and going out partying which was normal for someone of her age. My dad ended up moving about 4 hours away with his new girlfriend and her daughter. I always had a close relationship with my dad so I took the move very hard. I developed early depression and never really felt " happy".

During my childhood my mom went back to college and started to form a life of her own and I was shipped out to my grandparents house who were both in their mid 70s. I don't actually remember alot of my mom over those 4-5 years. I spent most of my time alone.

Fast forward to my early teens. I never really "fit in" with any group and other kids were always so mean to me because they thought I was weird because I was socially awkward and shy I guess. During this time I suffered a personal lose of a step-sibling. My stepsister left the family when I was about 12 and didnt return until 10 years later. I started cutting around 12 and spent the next 5 years struggling with cutting. I have numerous scars that people still ask about at almost 25. I started having suicidal thoughts around the age of 8. I attempted suicide twice by taking a large number of over the counter medications. I had the most horrific side effect from taking the large dose of pills both times that I no longer considered it my "plan".

I'm going to jump to now because there is way too much to write about my earlier years. I've been in a long term relationship for 7 years. I'm constantly struggling everyday with the relationship. I love my boyfriend and I'll spend every waking second thinking about him and wanting to be near him then I'm with him and I feel detached. I really don't know how he deals with my moods. I've had to have him drop everything he's doing to come over just so I won't hurt myself. I've had major panic / rage episodes for practically no reason. When he criticizes anything even in a normal joking way I take it soo seriously and feel like I need to punish myself. I'm so worried that he is going to leave me that I also go through his things expecting to find something. I also think it's purposely doing things to hurt me and he is hiding information from me. He is the most calm patient faithful guy that my friends and family have to spend time calming me down about it. I've never found anything ever.

My other relationships are pretty rocky. I literally have like 2 real friends that have both moved in the past year. If they do not contact me all the time I think they've replaced me or abandoned me. I have some friends in college but I don't really develop any kind of deeper relationship with them. I don't really have any family and the family I do have isn't consistenly there for me.

I've been struggling to complete college after having a few mini breakdowns and either dropping out or failing out. I'm actually really academic so no one ever believes me when I tell them I've dropped out a few times ( for a semester a piece) or that I've failed anything. I've literally woke up randomly and decided to drop all of my classes just because.

My moods are pretty awful. Sometimes I feel like I'm being tortured in my own body with my obsessive thoughts, my worries, and my high anxiety. I've been feeling extra depressed again and I've been thinking obsessively about cutting and suicide. I spend a portion of my nighttime crying everyday because I can't handle this and because I feel like no one loves or cares about me. I was on wellbutrin for a while and that worked but I went off of it when I was having a hard time remembering to take it. I'm scared to re-start it because I came really close a few times to attemping suicide in the first 6 weeks. I don't worry as much when I'm feeling sad but when I start feeling numb and like there are no consquences then I need to worry. I just feel different like something is off.

Please help
belledujour18 belledujour18
22-25, F
3 Responses Dec 4, 2012

'but when I start feeling numb and like there are no consequences then I need to worry. I just feel different like something is off.'

almost like you've transformed into someone else, watching this girl.. who ends up being yourself, but you don't recognize her. you don't like her. you're rooting for the harm with non-existant excitement.

something is off..

from my experience wellbutrin doesnt work. most people with BPD have a really hard time with medications working. I have been on pretty much every different type of antidepressant. I am know on effexor at a high does and it is the only thing that keeps my rage in check... It sounds to me like you have it... the abandonment of your parents from an early age is very common... i hope that you seek dbt therapy and further treatment. Try not to give up...

I am sorry you are going through that. Maybe you could try taking a different medication instead. Also I took a long personality inventory before getting antidepressants and the test also put me at a clinical level of BPD, though I don't have an official diagnosis either.
Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy and I hope you can learn to trust him eventually because if he has been faithful for all this time, I doubt he will change that now. If I were you I would reach out to other people as well, however hard it is to do, maybe join a new hobby or group... And I'm curious about why you feel detached around him if you love him...you seem scared of being close to him because you can't trust people easily at all, but my advice is take a risk and trust him because he seems like a good guy who can make your life a lot better the more you let him. Best wishes.