Old But New

i have been reading this groups posts for some time,but this is the first time i have added a post.All my life i felt different than everyone..and i thought it was just me. after having read many posts i now know what is wrong with me.Part of me is glad that it is something real and not just me...and part of me is overwhelmed that i may actually have a mental disorder.Im not wanting to go into detail..just that i have had a long and emotional life with more than alot of chaos..im 48 now and whoever said it gets better as you age..id like to ask them questions..i find it gets worse as i get older.reading many of these posts written by other people..its like i wrote them. people that have bpd have so much in common with me..i cant get over it. i have been to doctors but never been diagnosed with bpd...just alot of depression over the years now lately bipolar 2. but the doctors diagnose you in 5 minutes...and they dont want to admit that you have bpd cause then they, and you know you cant be fixed...i cant take antidepressants...they make me feel crazy..i just try to keep it hidden and behave..but that is easier said than done. i dont cut or selfharm but i do have a problem with staying positive and i have uncontrolled crying alot of mental pain..but most people dont know and they see me as pretty together..until i start crying over nothing and then they know.I would say it stems from the rough childhood i had..i dont want to do therapy..i really dont want to relive it..ive spent 40 years trying to forget..i dont want to open it back up...i guess thats why its still there.
crazy64 crazy64
46-50, F
4 Responses Dec 5, 2012

it seems to me like doctors fear what they cannot fix easily with a medication. :( we are told not to focus on how unfair all of this is but how can we not? Our doctors do not have BPD. They may have studied it but they have never LIVED it. This disorder started with a "no hope" prognosis and i feel as if they are grasping at straws trying to find some new "bull-****" explanation. In my opinion - We are the abused children of the world, and abuse causes the torture of BPD.

When you realize that there are so many people with disorder and struggling with it, you dont feel as alone, which is what we hate right? Just reading what others were saying and completely identifying with them and realizing there is a name for this helps a lot. Literally, catch yourself thinking negatively one day and correct yourself. Start with once a day and it kind of works its way into a habit. Accomplishing something can make you feel soo good, start by making small goals for yourself. Its possibe, and you can do it!

thank you for your comment. i guess im hard headed. i wish i could change the way i think..but its not that easy..if i could change i would have years ago,before i put myself thru all that i have. its easier for people to believe in change when they have something positve to believe in...not everyone has that.if its built into your personality from birth and you are 48...good luck suddenly reading a book and feeling different,than you have your whole life.

Do it your own way then! You know, we trust god first and next, doctors. Try the non medical route and find out what you can do to help yourself. I have read some great books including books about Buddhism because honestly the simple ideas they practice really help a borderline. Theres lots of websites and resources and you have a great sounding board here. You must change the way you think if you want to change at all. Remember to take baby steps, and to respond instead of react. Best wishes to you.