Whirlwind Of A Year......

In February this year I was diagnosed with BPD. I was hospitalised due to a suicide attempt and referred to Mental Health. It is a relief in itself to understand what is going on inside my head. I have constant anger outbursts that can last between a few hours to a day. I will go through all emotions you can possibly think of in a day. It's mentally exhausting and I tend to just hide away. I am suicidal and at my low points will think of it constantly. I have depression and I am a substance abuser (common to people diagnosed with BPD) I have only just started looking at BPD signs and I check all the boxes. Before it was just a label and I didn't dwell on it. But the more I read the more I have noticed I need to understand, It's something I need to show family and friends and especially my partner so they too can have an insight. I fight with my partner a lot. I will fly into uncontrollable rage over nothing, it will just build up and he cops it the most. When I'm down I'll repeatedly tell him to leave. I'll push away anyone that is close. I hate this condition and I hate my life. I wish I could die so I won't have to live with this condition. I'd rather die then be alone with BPD for the rest of my life. At the moment I find comfort in other people's struggles. To me it shows that I am not the only one but most people tend to not come forward and it's extremely hard living such an isolated life. It affects my releationships, friendships and work. The last thing I want to do is be a bum for the rest of my life but if work becomes to stressful then I become unable to work mentally. Everyday is a struggle.
GingerNut GingerNut
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

I'm sorry to hear you so distressed. BPD really is Hell. If you ever need to chat you are welcome to message me. I have BPD and can't even maintain my relationships. I have anger outbursts as well.