My Bpd

I have struggled with BPD for quite some time now. I has gotten better over the years, since I have been in therapy on and off for over 4 years. I finally settled into a relationship and am happy in it. But there is still that piece of me that feels like I am missing something.

I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child. I went through things that most people can't even imagine, but I still made a way for myself. I am proud that I have become something and not an alcoholic like my mother. I fear so much that I will end up like her, abusive and angry, but people who know me say that I would never be a horrible mother like her.

Since I have had such a horrible childhood and lack of a mother, I have been searching for one. Someone who will care for me like a mother. I have finally found someone like that, but she feels helpless when it comes to my BPD, like she can't help me at all. I always tell her that just listening is normally good enough to keep me from going into the whirlwind of emotions, but she thinks that she is not qualified to fix such things. I don't know how else to make her understand that I don't need her to fix my problems but to just be there for me.
antaylor12 antaylor12
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 10, 2012

My biggest fear in life is turning out to be in any way shape or form like my mother. I fear having children. I feel the same way with my best friend. I feel like a burden when I talk about my "issues" because i know there is nothing they can do, and i know that it hurts them. But sometimes we really just need to get the thoughts out before they consume us.

I have been pregnant twice now and neither one of them have I carried to term. Sometimes I wonder if that is a sign. I fear that my children will resent me if I am even an ounce like my mother.

I have had two miscarriages and I have thought the same. I don't think I could deal with their pain... but that is all in the future so I try not to focus on that stuff. One day at a time.

That has been my focus too. One day at a time. My husband wants children so badly, so it is hard.

Most women miscarry a few times before a pregnancy "takes". It's not a sign that you shouldn't be a mom. In fact, you will probably be a great mom because you know you don't want to be a bad one. It sounds like you will have the added support of a spouse who will help with this too. If you need a "mom" to talk to, please contact me, I'm 35 and am raising 3 teens and a 6 year old...plus a few other stray kids who are in and out of my house a lot. I've always wanted to be a mom and I'm darn good at it. I'd love to help any way I can.

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