Just My Account Of It

OK so here it is my account of this disorder and how it makes me believe that anything i say or do is wrong,
I first noticed that i was different when i started at secondary school, i did not fit in socially and i always felt out of step, which i suppose this gained the interest of the bullies, because anyone different from them was a threat.

The bullying was mostly verbal although sometimes it became physical.
I told my mum that i was being bullied, but in that particular school the threatening bullies were praised over the more intellectual children.

And from that logic i suppose i developed a lot of trust issues.

Eventually the bullying got so bad i left school, but at that time they had just passed laws that could put the parents of children not attending school in prison.

So for a time i was told i must return to school or face my mother going to prison, which i obviously did not want.

So i decided to go back and give it a trial run, which did not last, i was in the line to go and get lunch and some nasty person pushed me, and something inside of me snapped and i left and never went back.

Any friends that i made in school i lost contact with and all they really cared about was boys and losing their virginity which was not my idea of fun.

So i was socially isolated and i forgot how to be around people.

And i tried to commit suicide several times before i actually got any type of help, i had so may psychological assessments but it took years to get an answer, when i finally found out the proper name for what was affecting me i was in disbelief.

And alongside being shoved from pillar to post it took me a long time to finally find an anti depressant that worked effectively for me.

Some days I get moody for no reason, I feel like no one understands me, And when ever I go out (and this is very rarely these days because I cant stand busy shopping centers, restaurants, cinemas etc) i get very angry and stressed.

I remember one time it got so bad i physically attacked someone because his dog had bitten me, only after the dog had bitten me he told me not to touch his dog, and on further reflection i know i should not have said hello to the dog because some dogs are not friendly, anyway he started shouting at me and i shouted back and i was about to walk away when he commented on my weight and threatened to kill me, so i ran towards him and slapped him repeatedly, he then punched me down to the ground.

He then tried to get away quickly and untie his dog from the tree it was attached to, but i did not let him get away that easily, while he was trying to untie his dog i kicked him up the bum repeatedly, until finally my mum dragged me back and he walked away.

I would have to say that is one of the worst times that my temper has gotten the better of me, as i put myself in danger because i couldn't control myself.

I have not had an outburst like that in over a year now, but i still haven't controlled the anger that dwells inside of me, all I do is avoid everyday situations and live in my own bubble so to speak, that includes looking after my animals, going on the internet and seeing my boyfriend every couple of days.

I did start therapy but unfortunately my therapist left, which gave me even more abandonment issues.
I recently went for yet another psychological assessment and they were supposed to contact me in November which they did not.

For people who work in psychological services they seem to be pretty damned clueless when it comes to respecting that some of their clients have major trust and abandonment issues.

If they had no intention of contacting me they should have just said instead of giving false hope,so i will continue this stupid battle with my emotions everyday and just hope that it will be worth while.
If anyone else has been messed around by this stupid system that claims to care for our best interests let me know :) best wishes n xxx
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

I used to have trouble with the system also. I now have a good therapist which I am thankful for. But I didnt get my diagnosis till last year which to some degree infuriates me as I was in and out of 'the system' since the age of 11/12. I was told at 15 they thought I had this but I ended up the sessions as the woman I was seeing was highly judgemental and the woman I got after that point kept f**king up appointments. If you feel you aren't getting the support needed go to your GP they will assist you in finding the right support help you need. Someone that is best suited to you as an individual as well. I know how you feel in regards to the bullying etc, only difference was I got addicted to it and fought back too much, such a release lol. xxxx

i went through this, being bullied at school. i had no friends, no support, no care. food was scarce at the time, let along emotional issues. i cried and cried, hoping i could be rescued. that is why i lost trust in people. when i was desperate for help, it was simply not there.