Bpd Explains It

until this year i never knew what was wrong with me i knew that most people didnt feel like i felt one moment i loved my boyfriend and the next i hated him i broke up with him twice a week for a year until he broke up with me for good. i always felt and still sometimes feel like my mom is doing everthing she can to sabatoge my life. i think about sucide at least four times a day. its very rare when i have a day that i dont cry even though i dont know exactley what im crying about i just feel so much pain that i cant stop the tears. the time comes when i become numb and i cant feel anything no happiness or sadness and i hate when that happens because i feel like ive lost control of my body. thats when i pick up a knife or blade and cut. it hurts and the pain is what brings me back into reality.people dont understand why i act like i act they asume that i like being a rebel and breaking the rules but im just trying to find who i am am i the party girl am i the sslut am i the nerd am i the bbitch. i wish i knew. i feel so despertate to be in love even when i have people that love me and people that want to love me i push them away or i dont let them in. i feel so empty most of the time like i have nothing to live for even though i know i could have a great future. i think whats the point people always say that it gets better but its been years and its only gotten worse. i feel like one day things are going to get so bad and ill give up. i dont think ive even come close to that point yet but i know one day ill get there and thats what scares me.
trapheart trapheart
18-21, F
3 Responses Dec 13, 2012

You've just described my entire life for the past 4 years.
Remember, you're amazing
I'm here if you ever want to talk
You aren't alone.

God bless

Hi sweetie, thanks for sharing your story. You are not alone believe me when I say this! I know exactly how you feel, as I have felt and do and still do the same now! I got diagnosed a year ago now, and for many years before I felt like you - knowing that there wasn't something quite right! Never think your alone honey as you ain't there are so many of us out there, and its only over the past few years that this disorder has become more apparent. xxx

is thie called bpd? i learned something new today! looks like we both have it!