Bpd Confusion - Men Relationships

My head is going crazy at the moment. I can't speak to anyone properly about it as it would just confuse the situation even more so. I have been secretly seeing my ex (who is a complete d**k but I love him so much) no one knows other than me and him, it aint like full on just once a week which is nice. We know we cant be together, as he is a massive trigger for me. But everytime I see him my emotions go crazy and I want him in my life once again. All the emotions for him come flooding back.

BUT ... me and a best mate of mine (male and he knows my ex) well we discussed few weeks ago that we liked one another and we would give it a shot when well I am bit more stable I guess (he knows about my BPD and has witnessed the destruction I cause in relationships) anyway, so yeah that was all cool, then the other night we discussed it further and we ended up kissing. Now I am scared, as I don't actually know what I want. I do like him, but I don't want to ruin our friendship as I know what I can get like. Also I guess I am still hoping something will happen with my ex.

Thirdly ... I am also still chatting up loads of people on dating websites and am actually meant to be meeting one tomorrow.

I spoke to my therapist about it all and he said its like am using plasters (men) to fill a void I have - so that would be fear of being alone. Which he said is quite stable in a weird way but I know its more extreme ....

That being said I can't help but think I am f**king with my own head and emotions, I like the thought of being with someone but at the same time I cant give it all away as I just want to get lot's more attention from other people. And the one person I would like I can't have!

Help lol

xxx
enchantedjinx89 enchantedjinx89
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 13, 2012

Oh man WOW I am doing the same **** right now.
I don't know how to help you but just know you arent alone.
God bless
x

Yeah the situation is getting rather confusing to be honest! Driving myself crazy with it all! Ti make things worse I seen my ex breifly today as he needed someone to be there for him, then I seen my best mate but nothing happened and I don't know what is happening now. Think I might have f**ked him off tbh! I am glad I aint alone though :) xx