Bpd Confusion - Men Relationships

My head is going crazy at the moment. I can't speak to anyone properly about it as it would just confuse the situation even more so. I have been secretly seeing my ex (who is a complete d**k but I love him so much) no one knows other than me and him, it aint like full on just once a week which is nice. We know we cant be together, as he is a massive trigger for me. But everytime I see him my emotions go crazy and I want him in my life once again. All the emotions for him come flooding back.

BUT ... me and a best mate of mine (male and he knows my ex) well we discussed few weeks ago that we liked one another and we would give it a shot when well I am bit more stable I guess (he knows about my BPD and has witnessed the destruction I cause in relationships) anyway, so yeah that was all cool, then the other night we discussed it further and we ended up kissing. Now I am scared, as I don't actually know what I want. I do like him, but I don't want to ruin our friendship as I know what I can get like. Also I guess I am still hoping something will happen with my ex.

Thirdly ... I am also still chatting up loads of people on dating websites and am actually meant to be meeting one tomorrow.

I spoke to my therapist about it all and he said its like am using plasters (men) to fill a void I have - so that would be fear of being alone. Which he said is quite stable in a weird way but I know its more extreme ....

That being said I can't help but think I am f**king with my own head and emotions, I like the thought of being with someone but at the same time I cant give it all away as I just want to get lot's more attention from other people. And the one person I would like I can't have!

Help lol

enchantedjinx89 enchantedjinx89
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 13, 2012

Oh man WOW I am doing the same **** right now.
I don't know how to help you but just know you arent alone.
God bless

Yeah the situation is getting rather confusing to be honest! Driving myself crazy with it all! Ti make things worse I seen my ex breifly today as he needed someone to be there for him, then I seen my best mate but nothing happened and I don't know what is happening now. Think I might have f**ked him off tbh! I am glad I aint alone though :) xx