Why Am I So Nasty?

I was diagnosed one or two years ago. I took the citalopram which stopped me either hitting the roof or having to dig myself out of the black hole as often.

I have a long term boyfriend of 7 years. I dont know why he puts up with me for so long. He's abusive and angry towards me but he cant be blamed. He physically and emotionly hurst me but I provoke him. I dont treat him with love and care so why should I expect it from him. I wish so much for him to hug and squeeze me but I loathe myself so how could he? I hate too much.

Im just waiting for my youngest brother (11) to get older so i can top myself. I dont think I can explain to him either in words or in text about why I am leaving just yet.

I just never understood why or how I can get it so wrong all the time. I feel my efforts to 'improve' myself can be described the same as trying to 'fall up'. People say 'never give up' and 'try try again'. So if my efforts were focused on trying to 'fall up' I would constantly hit the ground and if were to 'try try again', which is what 'the positive thing to do is', then I would keep on hitting the ground and never succeed. I dont know if that makes any sense to anyone.

Everytime I try to make a situation good I fail. I know the BPD has at least something to do with it because I cant work out my own emotions I cant work out how to act normally. I get over excited about stupid small things. I begin to cry and my nose will sting if see something that should otherwise make me laugh. My emotions are all over the place and its exhasuting. I just second guess everything all the time. Even when I say to myself 'right just chill and relax' is when I will get something wrong the worst.

Ive ruined everything and I have felt guilt for so many years thats its toughened me and Im starting to lose interest. I don care anymore. I feel like saying I give up. I am nasty I truly evil and I cant beat it. No amount of trying to fall up will ever let me fall up. i give up. I care no longer and my niceness never came.
Waitingfornow Waitingfornow
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 31, 2012

You can change..... You might have to wait till I become a top bpd therapist first though ! Haha! If I get through my awful ****, I will be helping others like you do the same .......

I hope you do! Let me know when you are. I feel change is on the horizon. I just need to beat the fear. Why do I have fear of potential happiness? Is sadness so comfortable that is beats away ambition?

You fear it, and dont over the fear, because you've never experienced true happiness, so you don't have happiness to compare. Like the saying ..... You won't miss what you've never had?! The thing is ....... You can see the whole world ( well alot of it) around you, living in NOW obviously not living perfect lives , but true lives , with real feeling and emotion, and not importantly not living in the constant fear of just existing!
The fear is what is holding us back ...... But if you know your fears, and you can find the strength to let go, - at the end of the day, you have nothing to lose - life's already **** by the sounds of it. - the fear is only imagined , it's something our environment and mind has created in our heads....... We have to somehow trust in something so we can let go of the extreme fears and issues, in order to work through them , and then work towards creating the happy person we are meant to be. This is like a career - a long contract dedicated to ourselves to secure our lives with inner peace- life is nothing with out it ......

You are you for reasons of your own and he is he for reasons of his own. He is not abusive because of you, he is abusive in spite of you and all your uniquely wonderful qualities that you bring into this crazy world. Abusive is never good and is designed to keep people from finding themselves and becoming who they are meant to be. Unfortunately the best people are always so willing to give and give that they give everything that they were meant to become, they give it to those around them. You need to find the inner strength to move on from the abuse so that the rest of the world can know you are here and can experience your beauty...we deserve you and you deserve all of your dreams.

Thank you. Your words are soft and comforting x

Youre very welcome!