Why Am I So Nasty?I was diagnosed one or two years ago. I took the citalopram which stopped me either hitting the roof or having to dig myself out of the black hole as often.
I have a long term boyfriend of 7 years. I dont know why he puts up with me for so long. He's abusive and angry towards me but he cant be blamed. He physically and emotionly hurst me but I provoke him. I dont treat him with love and care so why should I expect it from him. I wish so much for him to hug and squeeze me but I loathe myself so how could he? I hate too much.
Im just waiting for my youngest brother (11) to get older so i can top myself. I dont think I can explain to him either in words or in text about why I am leaving just yet.
I just never understood why or how I can get it so wrong all the time. I feel my efforts to 'improve' myself can be described the same as trying to 'fall up'. People say 'never give up' and 'try try again'. So if my efforts were focused on trying to 'fall up' I would constantly hit the ground and if were to 'try try again', which is what 'the positive thing to do is', then I would keep on hitting the ground and never succeed. I dont know if that makes any sense to anyone.
Everytime I try to make a situation good I fail. I know the BPD has at least something to do with it because I cant work out my own emotions I cant work out how to act normally. I get over excited about stupid small things. I begin to cry and my nose will sting if see something that should otherwise make me laugh. My emotions are all over the place and its exhasuting. I just second guess everything all the time. Even when I say to myself 'right just chill and relax' is when I will get something wrong the worst.
Ive ruined everything and I have felt guilt for so many years thats its toughened me and Im starting to lose interest. I don care anymore. I feel like saying I give up. I am nasty I truly evil and I cant beat it. No amount of trying to fall up will ever let me fall up. i give up. I care no longer and my niceness never came.