It Ain't Always Pretty, But It's Real

I never know what to expect each day. I try to wake and up tell myself it's going to be a good day like my mom tells me I should, but that's never enough. The way my day turns out depends on every little detail. Most days I would rather not get dressed or do my hair and make-up because I know it'll just ruin it for me if it doesn't turn out just right. I fight a constant war in my head about whether or not it's okay to think I'm pretty, or really to think anything highly of myself. I don't ever want to be vain, self-righteous, arrogant, or conceited. The times that I think I look really pretty always get shut down by my inner voice finding something wrong. I practice humility everyday, in the worst way. I try not to judge others, but I constantly find myself comparing me to them. I always think I would be happier if I was shorter, skinnier, or had a lighter complexion. I have very low self-worth. I hate being alone. I do alright as long as you tell me an exact time you'll be back, but if you are even a minute late I start to think the worst. If I am sleeping and everyone leaves without telling me I freak out. I pace the floors and count because it's the only thing that helps for the first 5 minutes. After that I start crying inconsolably and thinking of where they might be, what might have happened, what I might do... With my "friends" it's the hardest. I love them, at least I think I do, and so when they hurt me, it kills me. Or even when they forget something I had told them months back, it still feels like they don't love me like they say they do. I am so easily hurt/offended that it's hard to want to meet new people. I stick to my online life because at least then I can pretend things are okay. My online friends don't have to see the way I flip out at the slightest injustice, or the way I cry when someone says something that might have been a put down. I never see things as okay either. They are either amazing or horrible; I want an in-between. My mom is the best thing in my life. I have a weird attachment to her in my opinion; like, I can't stand to be without her, but at the same time I always want to be away. It kills me that I can't be just like her; no matter how hard I try. She's been through everything though. When I was 13 and had started cutting myself she was the one who helped me seek out treatment. When I was a little bit older I started thinking more of suicide and then actually attempting it. She was in the emergency room with me every time, even when she had class and work the next day, she'd be there all night. She became part of the reason I wanted to die. I find different reasons to live each day, whether it be a guy, new friend, new adventure, or new hope. But the second something messes that up I am in the deepest spiral. More often than not I find reasons to ruin my happy moments. I don't understand why I do it. Like, I know that I am just looking for a reason, and I tell myself that, but I can't stop. It just keeps building up inside of me, and the more I tell myself that it's okay, the more I feel the need to just... get away. I kill my own happiness and then mourn when it's gone. Every time I concede that I need help we wait until the next day to do it, and by then I am fine, so the doctors never understand. People always call me dramatic, and look at me like I'm an attention *****, but I'm not! I really feel that depressed, angry, scared, happy, etc. Sometimes I beg and plead God to just take it all away, and it kills me that I have to live like this. Living everyday as a ticking time bomb, being afraid of myself, of what I might say or do. I can barely grocery shop because I feel like everyone is staring at me and whispering.

I am not sure that any of what I just wrote makes any sense, but I just wanted to put it out there. So if there are people who feel anything like I do, then they can know they aren't alone in this struggle. Sometimes it helps to know that you aren't the only one. I know it helps me especially since I am the only one who has this in my family.