Not Knowing Your Emotions Is The Hardest Thing Ever!

I was young and didn't realized I had the disorder until I was been psychological abused, abandonment, mistreated, and helpless! Throughout my years, I was alone and felt alone! Although, I had a wonderful personality; I always had a smile on my face no matters what! Not to say that, I've changed from it, but that was my "True" me! In 2003, I met my ex-roommate, we became friends after the abandonment from my family; I experienced in the shelter for a year! I had no choice, but to go there! I went to school to obtained two degrees and I was so proud of myself. It was hard... but I made it! The same year of 2003, I discovered that I had this disorder with a learning disability on top of all of that! Not only my borderline personality disorder affected me but my learning disability played the role as well. I didn't realized that this disorder affected my emotions and relationships! In 2009, I had to moved out due to my ex-roommate's behavior; he began to go crazy on me because I had lost weight and being independent! The same year, I met my friend; he accepted me into his arms due to my ex-roommate. He was like a breath of fresh air; I was so happy then and loved the moments of it! He mentioned to me awhile back, "That we should be friend." That scared me to death, I thought everything was going well until my emotions got in the way... at that time. I didn't recognized the signs of borderline personality disorder. I did alot of things that a friend wouldn't do and thought that we would move up another level. We had a heart to heart conversation a month ago, he mentioned that we better off friends but we will never know down the line." Apparently, he wants to have a relationship with someone but not me! Again, my disorder affected us and I just now realized that it is me that him. Everytime we conversated, it is so hard for me to expressing my emotions; I cryed and blamed everything on me! Back then when we first met, I didn't have no problem expressed myself; I was confident and happy at the time. The ball dropped when he mentions "Friends" My emotions went from happy to sad... and never went back to happy since then! He told me that "You looked so sad and depressed and felt that I'm distanced myself from him." What do he expected, although we talked about this! Again, I need to work on myself! I never took the time to reheal myself from the old ex-roommate and I don't want my behaviors to continue from the past to us as friends! I've been through alot in my childhood/ experienced with friendships! I am scared that I've been played through people and never realize it until it is to late. I am the sweetiest person in the world with a great personality, but the biggest thing I am facing at this moment is my emotions and relationships of any kind! I want my happiness back but it is so hard to get it because I am stuck. I placed myself in a dark hole; I feel unwanted or loved from my friends! They claimed that they loved me, but do they? He claimed he cared and loved me and don't want anyone taking me for granted, however, we are friends... this is why I am so confused, I thought he would be the one for me! I thought God sent him to me for a purpose. Now I see, we are friends because my disorder ruined everything! I want to ruled this disorder out of me, I hate to experience this and the people I really cared about doesn't understand this disorder, they assumed that I am okay and loves my personality but they don't know I have it! I hate to feel depressed and sad all the time. I usually have a serveral smiles throughout the day and always happy? (I told you... my "true" me) Why did I changed to this behavior? I don't want this at all; I want my old self back expect for the weight gain! How can I get it back? I need assistance! I asked God to help me; I have faith and trust! I am waiting for that door to be open so I can be free again!
Koko14 Koko14
Jan 5, 2013