The Hidden 'me'

I have a 'hidden self' that I have tried to stash away all my life and show no one. It involves feelings of depression, anger, emptiness. Complete and utter desolation, like I am like one star in an empty black sky estranged from everything and everyone. That I have drunk till I can barely move, taken overdoses, been in hospital, been arrested, cut myself is something only I myself and my immediate family know about. I have hid it from every other person for my own protection. If they only knew I don't know what they would think. But its got to the point where this 'hidden self' has become so difficult to contain and hide, and makes me feel so alone, that I've decided to share it and maybe help others if I can.

I suppose sharing my experiences on here is a big step for me. Since the age of about thirteen I've lived a car crash of life, that seemingly lurches from crisis to crisis. Although I try to convince myself, I am happy I am not to bad, that I have lived a fulfilling life, the truth is I have always felt empty, broken, a like a battered shipwreck dispatched on the shore of life. I don't know if I will ever be happy. Part of me believes this distinct pain, wholly my own, will be with me my whole life. There is a quote from my favourite author of my favourite book who said, 'he has not killed himself, for a glimmer of belief still tells him that he is to drink this frightful suffering in his heart to the dregs, and that it is of this suffering he must die' and although I don't like to think of myself in such a way I feel an intuition inside me that this will be with me forever. Time will mellow me out and this will a blessing, the intensity might diminish but I feel the pain will be the same as its always been.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in late 2007, along with complex post traumatic stress disorder in my first year of university but in truth it started long ago and located in particularly horrendous childhood episodes. I was feeling depressed, empty, suicidal, cutting and self harming and things got to crisis, where not only was I thinking of quitting uni, but ending my life. I think in hindsight the sheer disbelief in the validity of my own existence and the pointlessness of it all kept me studying in a stubborn show of defiance. I graduated a couple of years ago with a first class honours in English Literature, and I feel proud of myself having got this, better than any of my friends and struggling so much, yet I can only say when I stood on the stage in the cap and gown I felt only wretchedness inside. Yet I was smiling, and this 'smile' has dogged me through all my university years. If I told them I had borderline personality they wouldn't believe me and probably be angry that I had labelled myself as such. I was going out partying, had friends, had fun, on the surface I had and have a lot but the reality it belies my inner world.

In 2010 I had a breakdown while studying for a masters and after coming of medication I developed severe OCD. I had to leave this time: All my friends, all my prospects, all my carefully constructed persona behind and it was like school all over again. The great mansion of gold I had built showed itself to be built on a quagmire and of rotton wood and I quickly sank into oblivion. I'd like to say it was the worst I've ever been but that would be a lie. I feel so thankful that my friends have stuck with me, yet I am still living a lie. My artificial self, I bring out, where I'm extrovert, funny, happy and all the other good things I mimic like a deftly trained Chameleon. They know I have anxiety but I've never told anyone about the bpd because I fear what they will think. I dread to imagine what they would think if they knew the whole sordid reckless life that I live and hide away which is there nevertheless. there. I don't know if I can ever tell them for it seems to deep to even explain now, all I know is most of the time I feel desolate.

But I do not want to be a victim, I want to live life in the dream of a better tomorrow, even though I know the dream will probably not come true. Although I feel empty most of the time there are those rare moments, which come like epiphanies, were I feel alive, and the thoughts come to me that I am loved and can love, that life is a blessing, and there are so many beautiful things to live for. I suppose it is these rare moments that sustain me, because they feel me with such joy. Flowers in the desert as they are. That, and I want to write to help others when I get a bit better. As a child I was completely alone with my difficulties but in todays world its so good to know there are others like me and I feel like I want to help them. Saying this there will be times on here when I post when I really won't feel at all positive I can only say bear with me. I'm trying, but its often swimming against the tide.
kevlar1986 kevlar1986
26-30, M
5 Responses Jan 6, 2013

c'est émouvant

thanks for all your responses, its definitely great and comforting to know I'm not the only one! x

I'm 18 and have had borderline since 16. I'm in college right now, and I feel like I'm experiencing similar things to you, I can't open up to anyone because I'm scared I'm going to get "crazy" and get too attached. It's hard for me but, your story is the raw truth I just wish more people understood us.

Hello this reminds me of myself. Oh how I can't stand myself and how I have went from crises to crises and somehow avoided normal. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but plan on speaking to my psychiatrist about it. I have had enough after this last relationship and getting in a fight and being arrested. Thank you for your post.

Thanks for sharing. I think I developed BPD in my first year of university also. Although i'm not properly diagnosed, my mother is a counsellor and suggested I read about it, and I related to everything. I managed to reduce mine coming on drastically by throwing myself into a job where I was dealing with people all the time, and had to overcome the anxiety, as I was also avoiding people. I remember reading that people with BPD become better at avoiding the situations that bring it out in themselves and so experience it less as they grow older as a result of this. Perhaps you can find out what triggers it? I think mine was that I was in a completely strange city and didn't know anyone, and my flatmates were never around. So I had like no social interaction at all apart from at classes where I felt like I had to play a part. If I spend too much time on my own nowadays (3 years later) I can feel myself regressing to how I used to be, so for me near constant social interaction is key. How about you?

On a side note, I believe in astronomy and zodiac signs ... I know it's not for everyone. But i'm a Gemini and believe that some of the feelings - like not knowing who I was, like my identity - could be explained this way. Gemini's are supposed to be never able to make up their minds, and also to be dual-personalities - like two people in one body. I wonder if you're a Gemini too - I know this could be complete nonsense, but it made me feel more normal. But obviously, a person of any starsign can develop BPD. It was just something which made me feel better.

thanks for your comment. Yeah I'd agree with you on all of that. I think my bpd is worse at the moment because I'm in a sort of transition period right now after finishing uni and looking for a job. Too much time on my hands, to much boredom and not enough company are proving very difficult. I'm hoping when I get a job things will improve again, in the mean time I'm trying to keep busy and visiting places to take my mind off things. It does help a little but I'm hoping things will really improve when I get a job, which I'm actively pursuing.

I'm a scorpio, some of it makes sense to me but others don't but its great you have found a way to relate to it. I personally have found my solace in literature and books where I can see myself in certain characters. Obviously they don't have BPD but I find similarities and it helps me. Thanks for your suggestions :)