It's So Hard To Explain...

I know most doctors tell you that they can't really diagnose you with having BPD until you're eighteen (if this isn't the information you got, then I guess my doctor is just an idiot..) but I knew something was different about me around about fourteen. I mean, it's normal to feel different, I mean..don't all teens? But this was so much different then even what I saw my friends go through. I had such a temper onto me, and for no reason whatsoever. It wasn't just my temper though..
I'd go days holding everything in, anytime someone would do something to bother me, which seemed like everything at some points...
Eventually I'd blow up. I'd go into fits of pure rage or sadness. I felt alone in the world. My best friend since I was in kindergarten was suddenly not on my side...she would do the stupidest things and somehow somewhere along the line I lost it and ended the friendship. But I missed her, and wanted desperately to fix things.
I was raped by my father from age 14(somewhere near 15 years of age) to about 9 months ago, and it wasn't affecting me up until about a month ago (again with the bottling it all up and suppressing it...). The only reason I'm only now recalling on it all is because of one of the few guys I am seeing mentioned that I sometimes have problems with doing things for him sexually, and I had to explain to him why that was.
I'm now often faced with issues revolving around my love life. I don't know if anyone else has this problem...but I find it very hard to be happy with just one person. I'm currently not in a legitimate relationship but am having sex/dating multiple men. It's driving me insane. I seek affection from them, and when one doesn't give me the attention I need I turn to one of the other ones..And if any of them threaten to leave me I get really clingy and go into a panic attack and claim that they can't leave me...I just can't deal with it. It breaks my heart.
I can't handle this anymore. I've been hospitalized already, and am on four or five different medications as I have multiple issues. I have bad anxiety, insomnia, depression...
I just need someone who understands. I really do. My family thinks I'm faking it... I just wish they could see how I feel. I'd rather not go and talk to a therapist, as they make me feel very uncomfortable and somewhat annoyed.
If anyone can offer any kind of advice..I'd really really appreciate it.
LostSorrow LostSorrow
Jan 7, 2013