I Survived A Mother With Borderline Personality

When the doctor suggested it, I had never heard of it before it.

My mother was unofficially diagnosed after she tried to kill me. She was upset about the possibility of my father having an extramarital affair... several years ago.. and attempted to bludgeon me to death with a stone sculpture on our bookshelf. She would never let it go on paper, as she worried about how insurance would perceive her. So obviously it went untreated.

Growing up she was secretly abusive to me. I was adopted, and she constantly reminded me how I took away her 'golden years.' She blamed me for weight gain and a lot of unhappiness, constantly ridiculed me for being too ugly, too skinny, too pale, too dumb, too loud, too quiet. Essentially, breathing, set her off. If I came home with grades that were a low A, I hid, in the bathroom, attic, under beds, back of cars, didn't care. I just had to hide until my father came home, but if she did find me she would mercilessly beat me for hours. There was no use talking to my father about it, who had the emotional capacity of a pebble. "It's my wife." He would simply say. Like I wasn't his daughter? If people were watching she would sing my praises, brag about my academic and extracurricular achievements. Then I would come home from school and dodge freezer meat and dishes. Dad would come home and she was perfectly normal. I thought I was beginning to go crazy. I finally escaped after 13 years of mind blowing abuse, never knowing when the hammer would fall. She was a major contributing factor with my battles through PTSD as a young adult.

I'll never forget the phone call when she passed away suddenly, two years ago. She died of sepctic shock after a failure in her intestinal wall, attacking my father and the staffers before she went into surgery and passed away. We had not been in contact for months, since the 'stoning' incident. I am sad to say.. when I got the call from my dad.. I felt overwhelming relief. The nightmare was over, I would never be touched violently ever again. My mother died many years before her physical body passed away. Borderline killed the person my mother really was. I just hate that we never made amends...
FewWords FewWords
22-25, F
3 Responses Jan 12, 2013

You can't make amends with some who enjoys hurting you. You were right to stay away. Her unwillingness to seek help, assured that she was not ready to try to have a real relationship. Try not to embrace the guilty feelings. You can mourn her loss, even while being relieved she can't do more damage.

That sounds just horrible. I certainly hope you, unlike myself and countless others, will do what we all say we will do, and not be like your mother. I have bpd, and trust me all those things she said was not because there was something wrong with you, she hated herself. It takes all I have not to beat the pulp out of my son. When I have those urges, which I have not acted upon, I will always recall your haunting story to draw me back to unconditionally loving my son, in an effort not to have a splitting incident. God bless you, and you can still make amends with her in your heart. I wish you all the best!

Whoa, I'm so sorry that that's what you had to go through. It seems you have dealt with some of the issues the situation caused, as you write so clearly in your story. Well I hope you have, I wish you all the best x