Marijuana Helps Me CopeHey Everyone,
My name is Brandi.. since the age of 14, I have had a seriously difficult time coping with my emotions; and I would cope with cutting. It wasn't until I was 20 years old that my cutting became severe...some to the point of me 'needing' stitches, but I never went in to the hospital. I thought it was just something I did to make the emotional pain go away; I never thought it was a personality disorder.
My relationships suffer, my friendships suffer, my daughter has seen my scars and it hurts me when she sees them. After my mother committed suicide in early 2009, I began researching different disorders in college and learned about Borderline Personality Disorder. My relationship with my daughter's dad came to an end and that scared me to the point where I had grabbed a razor.. I went too far and ended up in the psychiatric ward. I was evaluated, and later in my therapy after being released I was diagnosed with this disorder. Its so scary sometimes... if I don't have marijuana to help me calm down and gather my thoughts properly, I impulsively go for a razor.... I can no longer wear shorts...
I do not want to go on prescribed medication; it scares me that I might become dependent, addicted, or improperly dosed. I saw my mother on medication and it killed me..
I am engaged to a really good man; but he doesn't understand my disorder and has a hard time dealing with me.. the family that knows about my disorder or knows the coping mechanism I use tears them apart.. My mom had the same disorder I think and it scares me to death that I may become ashes like her...
Am I a bad mother/person for using marijuana to cope and refrain from grabbing a razor blade??
BPDiskillingmeinside 26-30, F 3 Responses 0 Jan 14, 2013