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Marijuana Helps Me Cope

Hey Everyone,
My name is Brandi.. since the age of 14, I have had a seriously difficult time coping with my emotions; and I would cope with cutting. It wasn't until I was 20 years old that my cutting became severe...some to the point of me 'needing' stitches, but I never went in to the hospital. I thought it was just something I did to make the emotional pain go away; I never thought it was a personality disorder.
My relationships suffer, my friendships suffer, my daughter has seen my scars and it hurts me when she sees them. After my mother committed suicide in early 2009, I began researching different disorders in college and learned about Borderline Personality Disorder. My relationship with my daughter's dad came to an end and that scared me to the point where I had grabbed a razor.. I went too far and ended up in the psychiatric ward. I was evaluated, and later in my therapy after being released I was diagnosed with this disorder. Its so scary sometimes... if I don't have marijuana to help me calm down and gather my thoughts properly, I impulsively go for a razor.... I can no longer wear shorts...
I do not want to go on prescribed medication; it scares me that I might become dependent, addicted, or improperly dosed. I saw my mother on medication and it killed me..
I am engaged to a really good man; but he doesn't understand my disorder and has a hard time dealing with me.. the family that knows about my disorder or knows the coping mechanism I use tears them apart.. My mom had the same disorder I think and it scares me to death that I may become ashes like her...

Am I a bad mother/person for using marijuana to cope and refrain from grabbing a razor blade??
BPDiskillingmeinside BPDiskillingmeinside 26-30, F 3 Responses Jan 14, 2013

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I have that same fear about medication; I was either a zombie, too tired to function or just emotionally blank: no highs or lows, just "there". Pot has a "bad" rep only because big pharma wants to push their harmful drugs on people despite the fact marijuana has no severe effect or cases of addiction. Its much easier to get addicted to stuff like oxycontin because open access and the lobbyists keep it that way. Anyway, politics aside, I don't see the harm in a joint to calm you down. Do what you need to do to feel well. Good luck with everything.

Definitely not a bad person for smoking, I find it helps me too! I see it more as a herb then a drug! It was a medicine before they decided to call it a drug! Don't give up you won't turn out like your mother, you just have to out your daughter first she needs her mummy and she always will!!

thank you so much for your support and your thoughtfulness :)

not at all. It is one of the only things that keeps my daughter coping as well. She doesnt want to smoke, but she does when she has to and it helps alot. There are WAY worse things that you could do, pot is not bad, it is medicine and a natural one, rather than the chemical concoctions with so many dangerous side effects and harm to liver etc. Dont feel guilty!!

thank you momofbpd123 and Gilse59, you have both made me smile :)