I Want To Have The Courage To Open Up

I have borderline Personality disorder and whoever is reading this probably has too. I've been wanting a friend. Someone who you can talk to and confide in but i'm scared to open up to people because I have a fear that they will abandon me, just like my mom did, just like my grandparents did and it seems like every I think I find a good friend, things just go down hill because no one can handle my constant mood swings or being depressed or they look at me funny because I cut myself.

I have a friend that I made and he is a really good friend when he is around unfortunately, I live in Hawaii and he lives in Arizona and being a way from someone, the only one who understands you sucks. I have a fear that he'll find other friends and forget all about me or just get annoyed because I text too much. I just second guess myself on every single little detail about our friendship.

I'm just flat out scared of losing another person who I thought cared about me. It's scary and to be honest I hate going through this process over and over with friends.

I hate being alone yet being alone is comfortable.

I need some help/advice, I even think about ending our friendship before he gets the chance too.

I wish I was normal and had a lot of friends.
Mka2012 Mka2012
18-21, M
4 Responses Jan 17, 2013

Same way but i am fortune because my friends always call back because they worry alot about me.

My friends do that too. It feels good however, sometimes I feel like I'm a burden to them. Like I'm always the friend that has problems

Yes that's the plight ...
In those dark hours I always have to argue with myself - making me see sense, that they really care and it is ok to be a burden, because BPD is an illness and these are the symptoms.

I have a friend who also has BPD and find that we are on the same level.
I thank god to have found someone who understands me, does not judge or critisize and will not respond to my splitting.
For me, this works. Has anyone else had this experience?

I have no friends i understand how u feel my only support is my husband and unfortunately he travels for work so im often left "unattended to!" I briefly had the thought that wldnt it be great if all of our labels just hung over our heads so we didnt have to explain ourselves and all BPD people would know each other and we wld never have to b alone again. But then i realized what a horrible idea the label does not make u who u are u do and u can make friends with whom ever u want! y wld we all want to b the same that wld be so boring or not bcuz life with us is never flat right? Or its always flat? Black today, white tomorrow? IDK either way look in the mirror say I am worthy! I am important! Y wouldnt (your friend name here) want to know me? Im awesome just the way I am! :-)

Thanks for writing this. This is your first step to opening up. You have been very brave and showed true courage. This is so complicated and very difficult.
These thoughts and feeling about ending the friendship before the other does is so much in our way. I honestly know this and I have done it. This derives from the fear of being let down and getting hurt. However one should never end a friendship on this basis only. As long as the person is not abusive or tries to take advantage of you, there is no honest reason to end the friendship. The issue with us who suffer from BPD is, that we find it difficult to let things develop and wait and see. Also our thought can develop in such a way, that we believe in the worse that could happen. We forget to do the reality check, being so occupied with the mess of our emotional world.
I and you have to learn to focus on what truly matters. You have a very supportive friend keep talking to your friend and explain how you are feeling. You are alive and breathing.
If you need to talk, have any questions about BPD or want to share experience, well I may not have the answer and I might not be the best example, but I am here.
Thanks for sharing this.

Hi i would like to be friends i have borderline personality disorder.