So Lost

Hi, I have been diagnosed with BPD and Bi polar Disorder. I am a mess. I am ruining my relationship with my child, that I love more that anything or anyone in this world. I love her so much, unfortunately, my daughter has parented me most of her life, and we just left her step dad, and are now living with my sister and brother in law and their kids and my sisters sister in law (who also has bi polar.)
I don't know where to start, there is just so much that it is overwhelming. I tried to commit suicide a little over a year ago and didn't succeed. My ex put my daughter in charge of making sure I didn't die! He told her it was her fault. So, she sat there watching me fade. Finally she couldn't handle it anymore and called my sister, who told my ex to take me to the hospital or she was calling an ambulance and a cop to come get me. I don't know if I am relieved that they saved me or not, I just know that my ex didn't care and didn't care if I survived. He just went off and worked. My poor baby girl was 12 at the time and devastated. I will never forgive myself for putting her through this.
We are learning to switch roles, me as the mom and her as the daughter, it is really hard. I am unable to see that she loves me. She treats me like crap now, so I retaliate by saying things I don't mean. I feel like she can't stand me, I understand that she is just a typical teenager, but I can't handle it. I feel like a horrible person and cannot control my actions. Maybe you all will understand that thought process. Everyone around me says that I can control my actions, but I can't. I try, but I forget on what an impact I have on her. I am damaging her. She is smoking pot, drinking and smoking. I don't even have the capacity to discipline her because if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
She also has clinical depression, I am sure some of it was hereditary (her dad was totally screwed up, he molested her) and I have bi polar. I also am pretty sure, after watching me after I took all of the pills, and the mess I am has alot to do with her depression. She is in therapy and has support from my sister and brother in law.
ccgabbie ccgabbie
36-40
1 Response Jan 17, 2013

Im not sure where you live but Im just going to say this, take your daughter and find a doctor to refer you to family therapy.
You deserve so much better.