It Has A Name!

I've always felt different. My whole life. Sure, on the outside, I can laugh 'till I cry, have a huge amount of energy, have close friends, and a happy, fulfilled life. But in the inside, I was always...empty. I thought of my self as a, empty shell: colourful and bright on the outside, rough, grey, and empty on the inside. I always feel broken, exhausted, numb and unstable. As a young child, I constantly threw temper tantrums for no reason whatsoever. One minute I would be playing happily with my friend, the next, I would break down crying, claiming that she "didn't want me anymore". Some days started off "normally" and ended with me screaming with rage and smashing my feet on the floor. As I got older, I quickly realized that this wasn't acceptable behaviour. I learned to conceal the loneliness, the fear, the anxiety, the mood swings. As a result, I became so depressed. I remember thinking, as early as eight years old "this isn't normal. Kids my age don't feel this way. Kids my age aren't crazy". I constantly felt "bad"....I still do. I'm obsessed with self image...some might call me shallow...in reality, I think I'm the ugliest person to walk the earth, inside and out. I strive for perfection, but perfection seems impossible when you are battling your own body. I self-harm...I hate it! I wish I didn't, but hiding my true "crazy" emotions does that to me. In public, I seem like a normal girl. At home, I let loose. I let my emotions run wild, try as I might to control them. I confuse my mom with constant changes of heart, my struggles with decision making. I feel at times like I am breaking my family apart. I wonder why anyone would want to know me...all I do is destroy! I want so badly to be society's idea of perfect, to fit in. When I found out that my weird behaviour has a name...I breathed a sigh of relif. Well...first I cried, unbearable sadness washed over when I realized that people all over the world are labeling me as having a personality disorder. But, a few minutes later (blame the crazy moods) I felt relieved and excited that I wasn't alone. I finally fit in, finally have a title....even if that title is "that girl with BPD".
whispersofthepast whispersofthepast
18-21, F
Jan 18, 2013