Having A Rough Go? Me Too!!!

So I am diagnosed BPD, I'm also obsessive compulsive but not OCD, Anxiety, PTSD, Depression pretty much the standard things that go along with this diagnosis, and unfortunately that all have become a part of who I am. Right at this moment I am feeling empty, abandoned, and just flat out angry. I am married and my husband works out of town he was home for 3 weeks then just left a week ago already these angry thoughts have invaded my space! I want nothing more than to talk to him and then he calls and i cringe at his voice, I'm instantly pissed off and wanting to fight about anything and everything, I cant just be happy that he has taken the time to see how I am. I hate this more than most issues i have just because if i cant explain it to myself how do i explain it to him. He is well aware of my issues we have been together for 10 years.... He is somewhat understanding and VERY forgiving! I am not sleeping at all and that makes me angry because im wasting my days, im bored, and we BPD's know what that means....the feelings worsen! Does anyone else obsess? Im not real bad with that but i will do things like make shapes with my feet in the carpet while im sitting and i cant stop til it feels right, I will, to myself say while looking at my phone, my phone is red, the phone is red, the phone is red, red, red!!! The only thing that breaks those thoughts are focusing on something else and then i obsess on those, counting things, tapping my fingers together, lining things up, all sorts of crazy person things! lol Im a nervous wreck feeling paranoid at times also having many improper? or not sure how to express these thoughts!!! Sorry following it all up with a loss of concentration. I have been thru massive therapy that i have quit and medications that made me comatose (i have 4 kids) that's not an option and what kind of life is that anyway? I know these things seem to contribute and that im probably being destructive but i am desperately trying to reach out. I want to be better but i don't have a supportive family member or friend to help me im on my own trying to work this out while trying to be a good mother and an acceptable wife. This post has actually taken me almost a week to actually write down i kept coming here and then not doing it for one reason or another none which were relevant whatsoever ANY INPUT IS APPRECIATED
justanotherface22 justanotherface22
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 19, 2013

I'm really, brand new to this site. But it is already helping a lot. Thank you for your post. Our situations are very different, other than being younger and a guy, I've no kids, no partner and other little differences... But I can certainly identify with the sudden shift from projecting to want to hear somebodys voice or want somebody there, and then once that is there, simply flipping and seeing things the other way. I'm sorry if that isn't quite how you had meant it to sound, perhaps I misidentified, but I still think I can see what you mean, if I did pick up what you said right. Sometimes, when I'm especially lonely, I'll have this desire to drive over the city and see the only people I tend to ever see these days, unless I'm relapsed with drink etc... which is my mum, and occasionally, further afield, my dad.
But I often set off for my mum's, looking forward to being over there and nice and appreciating the company and being cosy in the house I grew up in and other nice things, seeing the puppy and things, chatting after spending most my days alone in my flat, or isolated alone at uni, or struggling with mood and tolerating other people at work.. When I get to the house, sometimes without even stopping outside, I just start to project about beign annoyed by my mum saying certain things or doing things, and ruminate about the negativities, and either drive off, or go in, to visit my mum, and am cold and pissy and horrible with her (even though I chose to visit her!) and leave shortly after... and this if followed by immense guilt both, automatically for the behaviour,a nd secondarily because I am aware of what I'm doing, as I write it here, and its really awful. It isn't quite the same as what you said about your husband, but you saying that did make me think about that.

I obsess. Little things. Almost like games, but games that give me this tense horrible about to burst feeling if it seems like I will not achieve the objective... like if I'm doing a tedious task, I'll commit myself to HAVE to have finished it, or give myself certain conditions, perhaps to finish it before an advert finishes or before another background event happens... and it becomes so so so so crucial, almost like I wont be able to breath if I dont do it. I obsess about other things too, so many to list.. Again, perhaps different to what you'd said, but it does help that you helped me think about some parts of my behaviour.

Hope you're feeling okay and dont mind me replying x

hey, I'm brand new too and I think it's great to get a guys perspective on things... btw, the more different we are the better :) we get more background to identify the common ground. and the story with mom... I had the same exact thing! it was at it's worst when my grandmother (whom I was very close to) was dying of cancer... my mother put all her attention into helping her and supporting her and as much as I knew it was selfish I simply felt abandoned. I feel guilty to this day about how I acted at that time!

This is phenomenal. I thought it was just me.
What suprises me is how can we be fully aware of what we are doing but STILL CANT STOP IT?
Or is that the million dollar question?

Definitely that is the question...glad u identified with my story it is nice to know I'm not alone although I would not wish this on anyone!

You probably have no idea how much your posts helped me just now... I am going through the exact same thing at the moment. I have better and worse states normally but now me and my boyfriend have our exams and so far it looks like I will fail them all miserably. Here is why: I just can't stand it, I can't stand the act that he is out there with his friends studying and not here with me... I can't do a single thing because instead of a having a clear mind to study I feel like this raging volcano. To top that I am extremely sick and tied to my bed for the past two weeks and the the near future and seeing him go out if his way to take care of me and do well on all his exams just isn't enough. I literally give him hell over every single minute he is doing anything other than sitting at my bedside even though I keep telling myself "shut the **** up you idiot, you are pathetic and impossible to be around" I absolutely hate myself for becoming this needy clinging joke of a human being and the fact that I am aware of how much he is trying does not help. I have degraded myself to the point where I hate who I have become and feel powerless to change it ( and I as I'm sure you know, I've tried) the worse part is that every time he calls or texts me a some of this rage spills and hits him right back in the face but when he doesn't write I get even more pissed and go out and attack him!!!

Really glad I can help... This Angry thing I thought I was passed it my husband was a firefighter for ten years and I would worry myself sick about him and then the minute he walked in the door I was on attack. If your anything like me ur mind loves games do this ask him to call only when he is on his way if my husband called anymore I had to much time to stew! So have him call and then out loud tell itself I love this man and he loves me and I am going to b happy when I see him! Give it time it won't happen immediately but u will c a change in urself! Good luck I really hope this helps

Thanks, I really needed a way to deal with this and this sounds great already... I deeply believe in autosuggestion and that telling yourself things makes them a bit more real. Thank you again :)