I Never Understood Why.....

All of my life I have been living with this problem. A problem of sever insecurities, couldn't trust anyone, always calling myself a monster, suicide attempts and self beatings. So if you would care to listen to my story, I will start from the beginning.
I am far from perfect. I am human and I, like others have made mistakes.

I was born to alcoholics. A very unstable home. My father was abusive to my mother and my mother to him. This lead to us children being taken away from them. My two brothers went to a great home, while I went to my father. Life became worse.

My father drank too much and couldn't take care of me. So I spent the next 9 years going from foster home to foster home. Also back and forth to my father.

While in the care of my father I was used as a human shield in an armed stand off between my uncle and the police. My uncle was shot.

While in foster homes I was forced into sex acts. I was forced to have sex with the sister of this guy while he watched.

My father decided one day to let my mother have me, if she got married and straightened her life out. So she did. While i was in her care she thought it would be a good idea to let the child she was baby sitting sleep in the same bed with a 12 year old. That lead to me being charged with molestation. 3 years of probation and 3 years of phyc counseling. I begged my father to come to the court because I needed him. He chose to go to work then stand with his son. I guess he may have been embarrassed.

At the age of 13 I was introduced to alcohol, by my mother. Had my first drink and drunk. Also introduced to marijuana. A couple of habits I couldn't kick for almost 24 years. One of the best things, and hardest things I ever did for myself.

So the next 5 years I lived with this label. I was a black sheep in the family. Except for one women in my life. My step mom. She was the first women I actually trusted. Though being a teenager, I was still the mister not it all and not one person could prove me wrong at times. She was the mother I never had. I truly miss her. She passed of cancer, just over 2 years ago Christmas holidays.

So after I turned 18 I met this girl, she was amazing. 17. Beautiful. We dated for a while and then she became pregnant. When I found out I was so happy. No happy was not the word I should use there. I was in heaven. Finally, a child I can love and prove to the world the man I thought I could be. Then her mother found out. I went to there house one day to see her. Her mother greeted me at the door with a shotgun. Told me to leave and never see her daughter again.I did leave, but she was carrying my child. How could I never see my child again. Turns out that all the begging I did, didn't save my child. I begged her to have the child and let me take care of the child. I was working making a good living. I was with her at the hospital right up to the minute they wheeled her into the operating room. Her mother forced her to have the abortion.
When I seen her go through those doors, was one of the very last times I ever seen her again.

I spent the next year drowning in alcohol and drugs. Blaming God for this. Destroying and forsaking my spiritualism. The last bit of peace and comfort I had aside from my step mom and the sports I played. And I played them all. I didn't care about anything anymore. Nothing. I died inside. This is where I had my first battle with suicide.

So through my step mom, another women walked into my life. The first time I met her I had to get to know her. Time went on things where great. We were engaged and low and behold, she was pregnant. This time I wouldn't take any chances. I would do everything for her. Take the greatest care and love her. We moved to another city across the country. Life was tough but we were making a go of it. I came home from work one day and found out from my cousin that she was sending cards and letters to her boyfriend back home. I told her we needed to move back home. We did then it happened. She had a miscarriage. I was beside myself with every emotion God gave me, the ones of anger, hate, rage. I turned my back on her and walked away.

Drinking and drugs was a way of life for me now. I worked as much as I could to leave this place I once called home. The place where God took everything from me. Everything! So I went back to my cousins. Got my old job back. The day I started, I met yet another women. I am beginning to believe that women are the problem.... :P
We all know that's not the case.

Well this women I met, started out like all relationships, good and wonderful and all warm an fuzzy inside. We dated for about four years or so. Then I found out she was sleeping with one of my friends. That ended badly. Yet another women in some way has hurt me. Now I should let you know, if most of you didn't know already. I was a very jealous and very insecure person. Which in hind sight was the problem with the last two relationships. Something I learned later though a therapy group.
Always worrying that they would cheat on me. Accuse them of it. Argue about it.

SO for the next few years I drank, and smoked myself to near death. Couldn't keep a job. Ran from women to women. Just utterly destroying myself. Thoughts of suicide ran through my head, like a race car going around and around on a race track.

Until I met my common law wife. We were together for 11 years. Have three beautiful children together. You can imagine how this ended. Same as the rest of them. Except now the paranoia was starting to get bad. The insecurities and jealousy was bad. I turned on myself. I hid in my bottle and my smoke and behind a computer screen. To a point of estranging my wife and kids. I was in a very, very dark place. Nothing mattered. NOTHING! Then one day I accused her of flirting with one of my friends, something she denies to this very day, but I didn't believe her. As usual. Then it happened. We separated. I lost it all. Was forced to move into my mothers house, that thought just made me jump for joy. Here my second battle of suicide. I was in my room, drunk and stoned as usual. Had a knife in my hand. Not sure how it got there, but the thoughts of ending it all right now were jumping around in my drunken and stoned brain. Then something happened. At first I thought it was someone in the room, it made me look around, expecting to see someone. Quiet at first. Then louder the second time. The third time was as if my son was sitting right next to me. "No daddy. Don't Do it. I love you." I Dropped the knife, drained all my beer. Threw out the last of my weed. the whole time balling my eyes out. My mother was freaking out.
Went back to my room picked up the phone and did one of the first things in changing my life. I called a Chaplin. He put me in touch with a therapist, after talking to to him for a couple of hours.

So after a couple of sessions, and some long term disability. Thanks God, my job supported me through my recovery. I went to a three week program to quit drinking and drugging. This is where I learned to start opening up. Though I fought it. But worked the program. I am happy to say as this very moment of writing this, I am now 19 months sober. YAH ME! One day at a time.

So after that I was sent to another therapist who introduced me to a program. It was 18 weeks of intense, nonstop, self work. Man this program was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Quitting drinking was easier then this. Now I should let you know that I met another women during this process. She is beautiful. Well educated and a sarcastic sense of humor. This women made me feel whole again. Though it was hard to open up and let her know what all happened in my life. But I did. She supported me through the 18 weeks. She is so different then any women I have had in my life so far. I can see a great future at this point.

So I finished the 18 weeks of of hell. I am so glad I did this program as well. This program introduced me to BPD. I understand why I have it. Where it came from.
And why I drank so much. I came out of this program feeling like a new person. So strong I was even off the anti depressants. That my friends was my first mistake. Over confident. Now during this relationship I am currently having, she broke my trust. Well wait before I make her sound like the villain here, she isn't at all. We broke up and when we got back together I found some texts and a video of things I wish I had never seen on her phone.

So this is the position I am in now. I am very worried that she is going to leave me. I am so desperate to find some way to beat this. I went online and searched and searched. Found this place. So here we are.

I love this women. I need help. I need to beat this. I keep hearing it's a choice. Choose to trust her. I say I will then the thoughts run through me.

I don't want to loose her.

Help me to help me.

Synzaic Synzaic
36-40, M
4 Responses Jan 21, 2013

I have a BPD boyfriend. We really love you. There is something special about BPD people. They feel things so strongly. And we know you love us. But the constant battering just gets to be too much. We really aren't the kind of women that would cheat on you. You need to find a way to trust us. You must find a way.

its a long journey, but you should be pleased with how far you have come from such **** circumstances. Don't be to rash or jump into conclusions. Take it slowly you've been through a massive upheaval so there is no rush. I hope your future gets better


Is this woman also borderline?