Need Input From The Other Side Of Things

Borderlines from what I understand are hard to get close to and need their space...Right? So why do they withdraw so quickly when they occasionally bond with you.Are they uncomfortable with their emotions, scared or what? I don't understand why they do that and it makes me feel very uncomfortable when it husband is borderline.
doneitagain doneitagain
51-55, F
11 Responses Jan 21, 2013

I can see what you are saying but bpd 's are also ones to make a big deal out of something small manageable due to poor coping skills.I also used to be super sensitive and easily hurt but I saw others as better than myself.I have recovered from that type of thinking and am no longer easily offended but partly due to no longer thinking of myself as a victim.people can mean well but some are mean on purpose or because they are jealous.I see myself as I truly am now strengths and flaws and am filled with God's spirit of love.I no longer take responsibility for things that aren't my fault and know that my husband not only suffers from personality problems but he was brought up in dysfunction.I don't read about bpd to be hurtful but rather to be informed about what he has no control over so that I can alter my expectations but I don't let his behaviors consume or control my actions.we are all flawed in different ways.

Thanks for the insight on bpd litlsprout.I am educating myself and trying to be forgiving but I don't want to be taken advantage of either.It requires a delicate balance.

Thanks for your input.Financially therapy is not something we can look into right now.You must be right though because he told his mom I was getting tired of him and would probably get rid of him soon( that was the day after he came home three hrs late because he went gambling and was the third time he had pulled this stunt in the same month one day pretending to be at work) .

Understand he's scared of losing you, he probably thinks he is unworthy of your love, or is unlovable.. Pushing you away protects himself from the possibility of being abandoned (at least thats how it is for me) reassure him that you love him and that you won't leave... Also encourage/support him to get some treatment if he hasn't yet

It is a natural protective instinct developed to cope as a child especially w a bpd parent if you are there but not really there you can't get hurt it is something we do unconsciously. It's from severe trauma sexual or physical from childhood he can be aware but you may need a verbal prompt as I do initially I get upset. But I look and see am I? And I can correct it. Sometimes I can catch it myself but he has to be self aware. There can be trigger words or topics that can cause the person to do this too you and he have to figure out what they are and he has to be willing and wanting to. Hangs. It is very hard having bpd it's horrible the intense feelings and thoughts self talk and suicidal thoughts and self harm take a toll on everyone. I am lucky my hubby is patient and tries to understand. Also he might have inversion of what you say taking it completely wrong. Example hubby says I wish you would take better care and love yourself ; I hear you don't love yourself, you are less than and fat a d lazy. I have to repeat back so I hear correctly it is only when I feel threatened this happens.

Thanks mmamomma!

What I do is open up too much to people when I first meet them. I give them my all. I will do anything for them, tell them anything about myself, and trust them completely. Then when I see that they are not perfect it scares me. When we finally disagree about something or I hear them say something negative about me (even the smallest thing that doesn't matter like they don't like my hair) I take it as a betrayal. My family treated me so bad(I was the scapegoat in a very dysfunctional family-abused, neglected, and abandoned). Everytime someone hurts me or I perceive the possibility of hurt I am thrust back into that same dark place of pain and sorrow I was in as a child. The pain is indescribable. The only thing that helps it is to retreat into myself and become numb to the world. No one is let in. No one can be cared for. I am in survival mode. Trying to save the little piece of my heart I feel I have left. There is nothing my husband can do or say to make me feel better. I have to work it out myself. I have gotten a lot better and will beat this altogether one day. So don't give up hope. This can be worked out in therapy with hard work and honesty :=)

I do hug and touch him but his mom already treats him like a little boy so I let him know I see him as a grown up.not a nagger but will let him know when I disapprove of certain behaviors and what I won't tolerate.

It is the pressure of the hug or touch that is soothing. He probably doesn't know how to self sooth it's part of emotional dystrgulation. Ask him if he wants this type touch he may need to be held spooning style it is very comforting. But treat as adult and reassure your love and how much of a good person he is, husband reassuring things sometimes no words are better until it passes

We always spoon when falling asleep.

try touching and huging him...don't talk a lot or nag....sometimes they need to be loved like a 10 year have 2 right?...Just add an extra one!!!Ha! Ha!

Thank you very much for responding.I will do my best to stick it out.

Youre welcome.
My friend stood his ground to the point that I gave up pushing him away. My life is so much calmer though I wouldnt go as far as saying I'm 'cured'.
I hope it works for you.

We crave the love & closeness of a proper relationship but we are also terrified of it (or I am, as a BPD sufferer)
We assume it will end and will lose the other person as we are unlovable/unworthy. Sometimes we will cause the split as 'we know its coming anyway'. I have a BPD friend who refuses to accept my attempts to break us up. Its why we are still friends, he stands his ground. You have to be tough to cope with the come here/go away. Stick it out is all I can say, we really appreciate it.