My Recent Diagnosis

The past week has been pretty horrible, and I'm finding things very difficult to deal with, the loneliness, prospect of being on my own forever, realising how much drug and drink issues will continue to affect me for a long time if not my whole life.. and this feeling that my current setup, university, my job, my car, driving license, flat, are all now prerequisites for a will to live. It feels like any scrape to any part of them, and things fall apart, to a point where if things can't at least just stay as they are (which is hardly keeping me happy, but tolerating life this far) then it would be much much easier to just die.

That in mind, I just felt like I should do something. I missed my psychiatrist appointment last week as I had been drinking heavily after relapsing the friday before. I'd gone to just, sleeping until as late as I possibly could. I didn't want to be awake, wake up, leave the generally quite intense and involving dreams Duloxetine gives me, or face the world, or even my own real life within my flat. So I didn't, and missed an exam, a triage appointment to look into getting psychotherapy and also my psychiatrist appointment. So things feel a bit out of place, and I am still finding myself sleeping a nocturnal type of pattern, and once asleep, and once dreaming, on Duloxetine, I really cannot choose to wake up and get on with the grey, flat, empty **** that will make up my day, without friends, intimacy, sex, drugs, or anything else, just, trying to hold things together bya thread, and struggling at every point. The dreams are usually full of relationships, intimacy, girls I knew once maybe, and seem just, colourful. Exciting, I'm part of something. Like I used to be, when I drank and did drugs, and had that to my name.

Now I'm repeating a year of uni, I cannot bring myself to speak to people. I'm not interested in talking to guys, whatsoever. And I'm apprehensive about talking to girls that I am not attracted to. Which is appalling and I don't know what else I can do, other than apologise that I'm like that. I wasn't always. I wish I wasn't. I hate it, but it would seem the black/white thinking even now extends in my case to seeing somebody as an eligible, possible, future partner to occupy the horrible, cold, empty space that is by my side now, in my bed at night, and there, always... or they're not any use whatsoever and talking to them would be a waste of energy. I hate that. And im sorry. Either way, I'm terrified of the people I meet. Even if I added them on facebook and spoke for hours about things, and got on great with them, in person, I feel like they might look at me and decide they didn't really want me to be somebody they hung around with. And that going over and talking to them might seem like I'm assuming they would want that. And then thinking how awkward and uncomfortable I should feel if there was a chance the person i'm talking to is just thinking 'what is this freak talking to me for' and then thinking I'm a creep and... it just builds up. I'll say hi to somebody, then spend weeks, literally, regularly, several times a day, thinking (without any prompts, eg seeing the person again etc) what the person thought, whether if I was them, I would want me to say hi again. Whether they either love me, or hate me. I know its part of the problem, I'm just only starting to uncover all the many defects in how I work, as a person, and personality, and how BPD/EUPD has affected bits of that, and what aspects of my behaviour and traits are actually results of a disorder, and not normal as I have made them appear to myself to be.

Right now I just feel, more than anything, alone. I feel like I care desperately about not making other people feel awkward, and not leaving myself embarassed, to a point where I am almost paralysed into a situation that, if I am honest, is not worth living in.
I do not intend to kill myself, I'm terrified of the dilemmas surrounding it. I'm scared of the reality of it, i'm scared of changing my mind once a critical point of no return has passed, for example a point after which an overdose cant be treat, or deciding a second before driving my car 100mph into a tree, actually, no, i changed my mind.
I'm generally just terrified of the responsibility that suicide entails, even if it is theoretically just for a short period between initiating suicidal behaviour, and completing it. It is still something that troubles me. I think the reason this did not get in the way of my previous overdoses, is because I never for a second really envisaged successfully killing myself in those instances... the act I'm currently hypothesising over, instead, is that of genuine suicide, which seems a lot scarier. In the abstract. It probably seems a lot less scary to me than it should, and I deal with it much more 'matter of factly' than I perhaps should - but this is where I'm at and I can't really help it.

I don't think suicide is something I am currently likely to complete, I'm not so sure about attempt, but there is a world of difference, at least in my history, between suicide attempt and the prospect of completion. But I certainly find myself lying in bed, desperate to just get back to sleep after 12 hours of sleep, desperate not to have to wake up, really just wishing something else would take the weight and burden of the decision and responsibility off my hands, and come along and kill me. A murderer, accident, illness, anything. At this second in time, I don't feel so hopeless.. I really don't. But about 8 hours ago when I was lying in my bed, I did, and most of the early hours before getting to sleep, I did.

One habit I have got into, a sort of conditioning if you like, is that from the times where I'll be lying in bed, or sat, ruminating my way into wishing something would come along and kill me, the idea of my heart just stopping (despite the fact that medically, I'm pretty sure such a thing would be very painful and not calm and peaceful) and me falling unconscious and immediately, organically, dying... became a really relaxing and peaceful image. Even now, that I don't really want to suddenly find myself about to die as I sometimes do, i still find a certain relaxing and calming element to picturing my heart just, stopping.

Anyway. I just felt like saying something. I don't know how this place works, it just seemed like a place, one of many, that came up when I looked for BPD forum.
If you're reading this bit, I'm guessing you perhaps have read the whole post, so thank you and I hope I have said something in some way helpful or useful, in some way, to somebody maybe. Even if not, thank you for listening.
adamuk adamuk
22-25, M
3 Responses Jan 21, 2013

I found myself crying reading your story... the situation at the university, the not wanting to get up because ultimately it would just be painful, I even missed my appointment with my psychiatrist on the 15th and now all I am thinking is that I would be most grateful if I got hit by a car but that is not possible because I never leave my flat...I feel a dissapointment.

Me too. I can relate to some extent. A diagnosis can be positive but sometimes it kind of gives you an excuse to just give up. You have to remember that you have two arms, two legs, the kind of standard equipment that everyone else has, and a duty to yourself to win

Hey there
Everyone here is in the same boat as you.
I wouldn't give advice because I have none
But I believe talking to others really helped me. Now when I read your account, i compare it to mine and it's exactly what I'm going through. And that makes me Strangely.
I hope this helps :)
God bless

Also, your medicine will take sometime to work. It will help to resolve many of the depressive symptoms. How many mg are you on?

Thank you for your honesty, I have also been diagnosed with BPD and I think your expression is admirable.
I feel I can relate to some of the things you have written, and on reflection for me, it seems to relate to perspective. I struggle with ambivalence when it comes to certain things and it can become very frustrating. I think it could be a case of slowing down and breathing, writing can help me achieve that. If I feel overwhelmed I focus on writing something creative, and if I find words can't fully express how I am feeling, I'll try and write poetry using metaphors. This allows me to take a step back, and when I do, sometimes I'm able to rationalise a situation or thought.
I’ll admit that I've been struggling lately. Reflecting on what you have written though, has helped me to realise I'm not the alone in managing pervasive thought patterns. However, that there are certain tools in place to cope with some of these difficulties, sometimes it's just a case of reminding myself. So thank you for taking the time to share what you did.