Borderline... Apparently

I'm at a breaking point and I really don't know where to turn, so I guess giving this a shot can't hurt.

After three suicide attempts, and two hospitalizations I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Part of me doesn't agree with the diagnosis, but part of me is willing to accept, just so I can somehow explain all these feelings, thoughts, and emotions, but what do I know.

Some days are good, but others are bad, very bad, who am I kidding most days are bad. I'm constantly on the verge of self destruction, a ticking time bomb. It seems like I can hardly remember the last time I was happy. I'm either empty, or terribly depressed.

The empty feeling is the worst, the empty feeling feeds the depression, it's like I'm an empty shell, just a skeleton, a pile of bones, a big heap of nothing. I don't laugh, I don't cry, no smiles, nothing except the odd fit of rage. Rage that makes me want to tear my eyes out and rip my hair out by the clumps, it lasts for a few minutes, and then it's back to nothing.

The depression makes me physically hurt, it hurts to breath, it hurts to think about being alive a second longer. I cut, I cry, I think of death, and dying.

I don't know I can't explain myself, it's just a jumble of feelings, and thoughts and emotions, I want to be able to make sense of this. 
fairygutz fairygutz
18-21, F
Jan 22, 2013