I'M Scared.

I'm having trouble figuring myself out, who I am or what I want to be. I'm trying to make friends and keep them and have something more than what I know I'm not happy with now. I'm very depressed, I'm confused, I'm unable to see the positive side of things. It's scaring me because it just happened out of the blue and I'm not sure why or how. I've been trying to push through this like I usually do but it seems to be getting harder and harder. I talked to my grandmother, I've talked to my psychiatrist and I've tried talking to other people as well... But this time nothing is working. This time it's way worse, way way worse, I am tired and weak and slow and I'm having trouble feeling anything but a sense of emptiness and a lack of happiness. I've just been noticing these small details in everything that I see or hear, every little detail has some significance but I feel that maybe that's not the way it's meant to be. I also feel that when I try to explain to people what's going on I can't word it right, because they all keep saying "what do you mean?"...I really don't know anymore, I'm worried. I had basically pushed a lot of people away, told them I'm going through something and that I don't want to drag them into the situation, I just don't want to hurt people. Anyways, I joined this site in the hopes that I could communicate with people who can relate in some way. Thanks for reading.
Iyric Iyric
18-21, F
23 Responses Feb 5, 2013

sweet girl i can relate to you im 48 and im feeling like this right now i was just crying because why didnt my mo m love i feel like i cant handle being like this im so fricken anger inside full of anger im hurting for what men have donr to me i learn i hide when some one is mean to me im having trying to get out of bed ive become this teenager angry teenager wjo i thinkiws so angry at my mom my family mt sewlf for having this illnes si feel like i have let my family down but i dont trust anyone anyone i feel like a fat ugly pig insid enothing seems to be working for me either ive kept ithings insid eof me and acted nice to me but insid ei been trating people like a dirt im amngry inever had a dad who wa sthere for,me he was always working and drinking at the fricken legion when i was young i wish that i could tLK TO MY SISTER I CAN RECEIVE HER LOVE I HAVE TO BE phony with my fricken phony family cant show my pain to them i hate there guts for that ive decided i dont want to be around them anymore

As an aunt of a BPD sufferer, i've just been reading about the lack of Vit. B 12 and benefit of omega 3 (fish oil) as part of trt.... also DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy)....PLEASE HANG IN THERE. ..IT'S NOT YOU. ... IT'S YOUR BRAIN THAT IS TEMPORARILY GIVING YOU MISINFORMATION. ... YOU ARE A PRECIOUS SOUL!

That is so kind andiweil.

I am going through the same thing, I'm very confused, and scared, I feel like I have lost touch with reality alittle bit, cause I don't know who I am or what I want out of life, and everyone I talk to I try to have a relationship, but start making excuses, and end up pushing them away, cause I am scared to get hurt and don't trust. It is hard living with this disorder, I haven't found away to manage or cope with it yet. You are not alone.

Iyric, I totally understand you...I got diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, BPD and PTSD a little over a month ago. I feel at times that I'm all alone in the middle of the ocean about to drown. I try to explain how I feel to my husband, and I also feel that i can't word it right. I feel weak, stressed and frustrated with myself..

Only the strong survive in this world. Use that as a motivator to keep pushing forward. I know you have inner strength but life has just beaten you down. Just keep getting back up girl :)

Hi Lyric, thanks for your post. I'm going through a really similar thing just now. I was diagnosed with cyclothymia 6 years ago, but am now being assessed for BPD, which seems to fit my 'traits' more accurately. Right now I feel completely lost, like I'm detached from the world and there is no one who understands me. I don't even try to explain how I'm feeling to family because I feel it would push me even further away from them. They couldn't even begin to understand. Like you, I'm scared. More scared than I've ever been. I don't see how anything can ever get better for me and I just want to give up and die. But I don't. I just keep taking deep breaths, putting one foot in front of the other and hope that if I do all the right things (meds, sleep, eating, therapy) then one day things will be brighter. You are not alone. I know you must feel that way because I do. I feel more alone than ever, but if there's one thing I know it's that I can't trust my feelings just now. They are just feelings though and they will change. I hope.

youre not alone i feel what you feel its so frustrating :/
people think its just a matter of "getting over "
it's not that simple

I know exactly how you feel.

Hi Lyric

I feel for you. Being ever vigilant on what/how you say/perceive things is exhausting. I was extremely lucky in finding a brilliant psychiatrist - wouldn't be here now if hadn't found her. You need to find a psych that you can 'relate' to. I actually 'interviewed' a few to find the right fit.

Lyric, I think you are in the mainstream of people your age that don't know what they want or who they are. And have you ever heard people joke about how women don't know what they want. Maybe it's a woman thing.

Depression can be debilatating and very isolating. I know during the wintertime I am much more depressed. And if you are on meds, quite possibly they are hurting more than helping.

I have found psychiatrists to be very obtuse, for the most part. After my bpd diagnosis I found it much more helpful and comforting to speak w a licensed therapist.

The disorder typically gets better w age and lots of hard work. Trying yo be honest and taking other people's feelings into account is key. Plus make sure to maintain a good, nutrient dense diet, get plenty of exercise and sleep. I promise that these things DO help. Did you know that fast foods and trans fats have been linked to depression? Foods high in omegs 3s, like certain nuts and fish can help moods too.

I completely understand how you feel. You seem like a hard worker, don't give up.

Understand. But careful you don't get into the state of paralysis thru analysis...

i get you!

I think it is important to keep in mind that life has its ups and downs and to remind yourself that the downs will pass, and the ups are to be treasured.
It helped me to become friends with myself, and to remember that I am not supposed to be perfect.
I wish you all the best, it is a journey.

I can relate and made my mind up a while ago on how to deal with it, kinda a lot to explain in a comment though

Depression is a scary thing. Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy was specifically made to help Borderline Personality Disordered people; it helps a lot of others, though.
If you have trauma, talking about that in specific may help, but DBT will help you become more stable overall.
Exercise may help.
...I know I take meds in part so I will not be a b1tch to the people I care about. The meds are something I will likely need my entire life, I get severely depressed without a working medication cocktail.
I hope you aren't stuck needing pills to be happy, but if you are in agony without meds? Take them.

what kind of illness is borderline?
sometimes i go and get my blood pressure checked out and its borderline hypertension.
just a few points above healthy.wonder what i ate or did,and that's my analogy.

high levels of cortisol in the fight or flight response is different than worrying and feeling lost and confused about life.to say your confused in not knowing what to do or to actually be somewhat impaired by it,is different.to be momentarily impaired doesnt last forever.it's actually a relief when you get past what hindered you emotionally.
you would have to really spend alot of time stressing the same thoughts.
and this is why exercise helps alot.i try to jog off stress,or atleast go for walks.
hopefully you'll try too?

No quick fix unfortunately. I know thats not what you wanted to here. But life's a thing of us and downs only way to turn that frown upside down is to hit the ground. Yeah that's kinda chessy, meebee, but just go ahead and bide your time, cuz wen happiness comes round itll be quite a ride.

<p>See what God has to offer, after all God is Love. Give Him a try...</p>

Vitamin A
Vitamin A is essential for eyesight. You can get vitamin A in foods such as green, red and yellow vegetables, brightly colored fruits, liver, dairy products, fish liver oil and eggs. Symptoms of a vitamin A deficiency include night blindness, damage to the eyes, vision loss, dry and scaly skin, respiratory infections and other signs of decreased immune system function. The RDA is 2,333 IU for women and 3,000 IU for men. Too much vitamin A can be toxic.
Vitamin B-12
Vitamin B-12 is vital for the neurological system and the production of blood cells. Animal products, including eggs, meat, dairy products and fish, especially clams and fatty fish, are the only natural sources of the vitamin. It's also added to some cereals. A lack of vitamin B-12 is characterized by abnormal walking in the elderly, memory loss, instability, depression, confusion, decreased reflexes, decreased hearing and abnormal growth in children. Permanent neurological damage can result. The RDA of vitamin B-12 for adults is 2.4 mcg.
Vitamin C
Vitamin C is protects the cells from damage, and is necessary for the production of collagen, an essential protein found in bones, tendons, ligaments and cartilage. A lack of vitamin C causes a condition called scurvy, which has symptoms of fatigue, weakness, pale skin, sunken eyes, inflamed gums, muscle pain, poor appetite, easy bruising, diarrhea, fever, aching joints, irritability and shortness of breath. You can get this vital nutrient from fruits and vegetables, especially citrus fruits, papayas, bell peppers, hot chili peppers, potatoes, broccoli, leafy greens and sweet potatoes. The RDA for vitamin C is 75 mg for women and 90 mg for men.
Vitamin B-1
Vitamin B-1, or thiamine, is necessary for the production of red blood cells, for converting blood sugar into energy and for the normal metabolic functions of the heart, nerves and muscles. A lack of vitamin B-1 causes beriberi. There are two forms of the disorder, which mainly affect alcoholics. Wet beriberi affects the cardiovascular system, and symptoms include shortness of breath during activity and during sleep, a fast heart rate and swelling of the lower legs. Dry beriberi affects the nervous system and is characterized by confusion, difficulty walking, vomiting, difficulty speaking, and tingling, pain and loss of sensation in the hands and feet. The RDA for vitamin B-1 is approximately 1.1 mg. You can get this vitamin from pork, fortified cereals, nuts, oatmeal, sunflower seeds and cauliflower.
•Vitamin B1 (thiamine): The brain uses this vitamin to help convert glucose, or blood sugar, into fuel, and without it the brain rapidly runs out of energy. This can lead to fatigue, depression, irritability, anxiety, and even thoughts of suicide. Deficiencies can also cause memory problems, loss of appetite, insomnia, and gastrointestinal disorders. The consumption of refined carbohydrates, such as simple sugars, drains the body's B1 supply.
•Vitamin B3 (niacin): Pellagra-which produces psychosis and dementia, among other symptoms-was eventually found to be caused by niacin deficiency. Many commercial food products now contain niacin, and pellagra has virtually disappeared. However, subclinical deficiencies of vitamin B3 can produce agitation and anxiety, as well as mental and physical slowness.
•Vitamin B5 (pantothenic acid): Symptoms of deficiency are fatigue, chronic stress, and depression. Vitamin B5 is needed for hormone formation and the uptake of amino acids and the brain chemical acetylcholine, which combine to prevent certain types of depression.
•Vitamin B6 (pyridoxine): This vitamin aids in the processing of amino acids, which are the building blocks of all proteins and some hormones. It is needed in the manufacture of serotonin, melatonin and dopamine. Vitamin B6 deficiencies, although very rare, cause impaired immunity, skin lesions, and mental confusion. A marginal deficiency sometimes occurs in alcoholics, patients with kidney failure, and women using oral contraceptives. MAOIs, ironically, may also lead to a shortage of this vitamin. Many nutritionally oriented doctors believe that most diets do not provide optimal amounts of this vitamin.
•Vitamin B12: Because vitamin B12 is important to red blood cell formation, deficiency leads to an oxygen-transport problem known as pernicious anemia. This disorder can cause mood swings, paranoia, irritability, confusion, dementia, hallucinations, or mania, eventually followed by appetite loss, dizziness, weakness, shortage of breath, heart palpitations, diarrhea, and tingling sensations in the extremities. Deficiencies take a long time to develop, since the body stores a three- to five-year supply in the liver. When shortages do occur, they are often due to a lack of intrinsic factor, an enzyme that allows vitamin B12 to be absorbed in the intestinal tract. Since intrinsic factor diminishes with age, older people are more prone to B12 deficiencies.
•Folic acid: This B vitamin is needed for DNA synthesis. It is also necessary for the production of SAM (S-adenosyl methionine). Poor dietary habits contribute to folic acid deficiencies, as do illness, alcoholism, and various drugs, including aspirin, birth control pills, barbiturates, and anticonvulsants. It is usually administered along with vitamin B12, since a B12 deficiency can mask a folic acid deficiency. Pregnant women are often advised to take this vitamin to prevent neural tube defects in the developing fetus.
I just want to say that I'm not a phyciatrist or in the medical field but I love to do research on matters like this and hopefully this will help!
make an appoinment to see a neurophychologist an get a neuropsychological evaluration and then make a phyciatrist appointment maybe from the results of your evaluration your phyciatrist will probably recommend CBT(Cognitive Behavioral Therapt), or the phyciatrist might also recommed MAO(Monamine Oxidase Inhibitors) ,Tricyclic antidepressants,SSRIs(Selective Serotonin Reptake Inhibitors) and ect. also if you have untreated PTSD(Post Tramatic Stress Disorder) then tell your phyciatrist.

It saddens me to read that you feel as I so, depression really is a curse. It is easy to feel confused and drained by your own feelings because you have been fine and then all at once - suddenly - you can't cope.I don't want to give useless advice because I don't know the actual extent of the way you are feeling. I can tell you that almost nobody but those who suffer from depression will understand what you are going through (not 100% anyway) and unless you strike lucky and get a psychiatrist who is genuinely interested in your wellbeing that can be hard to. I hope you know it is in a way a good thing that you yourself know and understand how under lyingly destructive depression can be to those around you. Remember that before you felt like this you probably weren't happy the entirety of the time - BUT your ability to cope didn't make feeling low as much of an issue. Building on coping mechanisms is tough but works, once you learn to COPE with your negative feelings you can motivate yourself once again.If you haven't tried it already, i find that taking vitamin D supplements which have had a positive effect on my mindset on a day to day basis - [ I have tried anti-depressants of all sorts and have determined they make people numb and are just detrimental to the rest of your health.] Take care of yourself and do not hesitate to ask for advice.

i am right where you r now mate..its truly hard to explain in words what is going through ur mind...lifes has its extreme ups and downs but through the years you do learn to deal with it..i'm probably not making any sense..truly hope this site helps you through,n i'm here if u need a chat...it truly helps even if only a little...stay strong..=)..xx

I know what you mean and i feel bad that another person turned out like me

I feel for you. I suffer from depression and I know how debilitating it can be. I can't really offer any advice, but would just like to send my hopes and prayers that you find the help and support yoiu need. Take care of yourself Lyric