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Neverending..

I have been living with BPD for a long time now.. I have spent so much time and energy to try and "beat" this disorder, but man has it kicked my *** this week.. I have not cut myself in almost 6 years.. Which if you knew me, you would know that is HUGE.. I spend so much of my time trying to not think about cutting.. I wont let it run me.. but this week that is all I am thinking about.. I am so lonely.. There are no words to even describe how lonely I am.. I live alone, so I spend every night by myself with no one to talk too, cause honestly this disorder has pushed all my "friends" away.. I do work, but I work for my father.. so he is the only person I see 5 days a week. Once a week I get to see my boyfriend/best friend (one in the same) except this week.. This week started with one of the biggest panic attacks I have ever had.. ER visit and all.. Which then lead to a crisis meeting with the place I go for counseling.. A crisis meeting consists of my med dr, my therapist, the director, a police officer.. and an ambulance outside.. I am TERRIFIED of ambulances.. not to mention, Im not that comfortable around cops either.. I honestly thought they were going to put me in a hospital.. but they didnt.. thank god I know all the right things to say.. I still dont like them though.. Then back to spending most of my time alone.. Unfortunately to get me through the week I put all my energy into looking forward to Fridays, because on Friday's I get to see my boyfriend/best friend.. However, since this has been a week from hell and I need him now more than ever, mother nature decides to throw this HUGE ******* storm so I am now spending the weekend alone.. I know that its because of the weather that he is not coming.. but I cant change that feeling inside me.. that feeling that he hates me, and that I am an awful person... that gut wrenching "gonna be alone for the rest of my life" feeling.. that feeling that he is doing this on purpose to not see me.. How do I stop these? How do I not get these feelings? Why cant I be ******* normal? How can I not be so unloveable?
MidniteAngel MidniteAngel 31-35, F 1 Response Feb 7, 2013

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I can't even begin to know how to respond to this. the truth, perhaps? so today my boyfriend/best friend was meant to come over. and i have been having a really tough week, working alone in an art gallery which sounds amazing but isn't so much when i am going through an episode of darkness. where all movements are over analysed and i feel like a waste of space and that no one cares and how can they. i have hours to argue with myself. my two halves. i know i am being irrational but its like going outside, standing in the rain and telling your skin not to get wet. impossible. so its raining heavily here and he has to hitch to me. i have been needing him pretty bad because i am feeling so unloved and lonely and i just love being around him. he is beautiful. and makes me remember i am human, and good and beautiful and worthy of love. i lost that feeling at a young age, due to being abused by someone i considered my 'second daddy'. sick ****. anyway. i have some issues. and now he cant come and i was just now freaking out thinking he didn't want to see me, it was over, things were weird, he thought i was weird, too emotional, too mad. i even text'd him to ask whats wrong. he told me to stop tripping. i wish i could. i need someone who gets me. he sure doesn't. my mom just asks if i have taken my meds. sigh. hello. :) we are like twins today. also have BPD. did i mention that?

You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear someone else say everything I am feeling.. My boyfriend already left me once because of my BPD and Im terrifed of loosing him again.. So now with 3 feet of snow he still might now come tonite and I am struggling with myself again.. Part of me feels that he is doing this on purpose.. that he is trying to get away from me.. but then the rational part of me is like look out your damn window for God's sake.. NO ONE is out.. Why cant we be normal?

It is true. No one would be out in such weather. But its one thing telling yourself that and another believing it. sometimes i dont want to be normal. i love the perks of being 'mad'. the depth and the creativity for starters. but today i want so bad to just be cool with logic. you know. i know you do. At least we aren't completely alone. Oh and, if you think about it you didn't lose this guy to BPD because he came back. you just misplaced him. i too am always afraid people will get tired of how difficult i can be. i guess the ones who really love us won't give up. i hope thats the case with your bf.