Neverending..I have been living with BPD for a long time now.. I have spent so much time and energy to try and "beat" this disorder, but man has it kicked my *** this week.. I have not cut myself in almost 6 years.. Which if you knew me, you would know that is HUGE.. I spend so much of my time trying to not think about cutting.. I wont let it run me.. but this week that is all I am thinking about.. I am so lonely.. There are no words to even describe how lonely I am.. I live alone, so I spend every night by myself with no one to talk too, cause honestly this disorder has pushed all my "friends" away.. I do work, but I work for my father.. so he is the only person I see 5 days a week. Once a week I get to see my boyfriend/best friend (one in the same) except this week.. This week started with one of the biggest panic attacks I have ever had.. ER visit and all.. Which then lead to a crisis meeting with the place I go for counseling.. A crisis meeting consists of my med dr, my therapist, the director, a police officer.. and an ambulance outside.. I am TERRIFIED of ambulances.. not to mention, Im not that comfortable around cops either.. I honestly thought they were going to put me in a hospital.. but they didnt.. thank god I know all the right things to say.. I still dont like them though.. Then back to spending most of my time alone.. Unfortunately to get me through the week I put all my energy into looking forward to Fridays, because on Friday's I get to see my boyfriend/best friend.. However, since this has been a week from hell and I need him now more than ever, mother nature decides to throw this HUGE ******* storm so I am now spending the weekend alone.. I know that its because of the weather that he is not coming.. but I cant change that feeling inside me.. that feeling that he hates me, and that I am an awful person... that gut wrenching "gonna be alone for the rest of my life" feeling.. that feeling that he is doing this on purpose to not see me.. How do I stop these? How do I not get these feelings? Why cant I be ******* normal? How can I not be so unloveable?
MidniteAngel 31-35, F 1 Response 1 Feb 7, 2013